Daily Evergreen Opinion Blog Extra content from a very opinionated section

Family Values, Lesbian Bondage and Michael Steele

I like to focus my columns and blog posts on the weird, wacky and absurd. I like to point out the ideas and actions which were never good ideas, but somehow happen anyway. The Republican National Committee got caught up in a scandal that beautifully represents the kind of stories I love to comment on.

It is usually not a good idea to visit expensive strip clubs which feature lesbian bondage, whether that bondage is simulated or real. That sort of behavior does not look good on most resumés – especially when you belong to a political party that focuses on talking points about "family values," "party of morals" and "the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman.

I do not need to point out the hypocrisy in this scenario; it is already blatantly obvious. What I really want to do is thank the RNC for making my job so easy, and offer some sound advice as a way of returning the favor.

Ever since Michael Steele was named chairman, the RNC has been a hotbed of controversy. If Steele is not inserting his foot into his mouth with wild comments, his committee is spending donors' money on unnecessary luxuries in Hawaiian hotels and Los Angeles strip clubs.

I have said it before, and I am going to say it again: the RNC needs to remove Steele as chairman. He is not worth fighting for. I am trying to do Republicans a favor with this advice. Rarely do I enjoy giving Republicans favorable advice.

You want to know how bad Steele is doing as chairman? Sarah Palin recently called him an "independent outsider" and she is glad he is doing things "to create some change in the Republican Party."

I have not heard a more chilling endorsement since former President George W. Bush told former FEMA director Michael Brown, "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job."

Catholic Church Must Address Criminal Activity

It is amazing that Catholic Church leaders are still able to get away with the act of molestation. After so many reported abuse cases, one would think that skepticism would increase among followers of bishops and clergymen. It is incredible that the pope can essentially just brush this incident off. I wonder – if a nonreligious institution was accused of abuse, would immediate action be demanded?

My thoughts go to a similar hypothetical circumstance. In this scenario, I am working under a number of professors at this very university. The next thing I know, I find out my professors have been molesting young children. As a moral human being, I could not continue working alongside and under these instructors.

It is almost certain that the individuals who committed these crimes would be relieved of their positions. However, the real manifestation of this hypothetical situation is happening in the Roman Catholic Church. The church has followers who know full well what is going on, as well as leaders who continue to overlook and work around these "insignificant" occurrences.

I can't imagine how child molesters can hold positions of leadership with so much influence. Steps need to be taken so that the taboo of questioning and criticizing religion is lessened. If this is not done, unforgivable acts such as these may continue to occur. Criminal activity must be acknowledged.

Five Annoying Habits of Bad Highway Drivers

Every break, a few thousand of my fellow students and I make the trek to the west side of the mountains. Normally, I enjoy this drive. The ever-changing scenery never disappoints. The other drivers, though, leave much to be desired.

By the time the trip is over my blood pressure is just a little bit higher due to the inconsiderate behavior of other drivers. In my ongoing attempt to inform and educate, here is my list of the five most annoying habits of bad highway drivers:

5) The Speed-trap Slowdown

So you are driving along, in a line of three or more cars. You turn around a bend and find yourself staring down the business end of a speed gun. You and your fellow drivers instinctively drop to five under the speed limit. After all, depending on the mood of the officer behind the gun, driving one over is technically speeding.

Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this maneuver. What really annoys me is when the lead car decides to hold everyone behind them to the five-under speed for the next twenty miles. Last I checked, driving the speed limit is not speeding.

4) The Car Delay

It is illegal to impede the flow of traffic. Driving on a one-lane highway, at 10 under the limit, with a long line of cars trapped behind you is perhaps one of the rudest behaviors you can exhibit on the highway.

Here is a good rule of thumb. If there is a line of cars waiting on you, pull off to the side of the rode, wait five seconds, let the other cars pass you and then continue on your way.

3) The Variable-Speed Driver

These are the drivers that pass you going five over, realize how fast they are going, and drop to five under. When you pass them, they accelerate again. This pattern will continue for the rest of the drive, slowly driving you insane.

This form of driving is commonly related to not properly anticipating elevation change. Drivers go down a hill, increasing speed. At the bottom of the hill they realize how fast they are going and release the accelerator.

Allow me to introduce you to the cruise control. It is this magical device that maintains your speed for you. You do not have to do anything, and it will save you gas in the long run.

2) The One-mph Passer

The name pretty much says it all. In an attempt to pass the car in front of them, these drivers cut you off. They drive just one mph faster than the other driver as they slowly, inch by painful inch, pass the other driver.

If you are going to pass, put some gas into it and pass.

1) Left Lane Drivers

These are the people who make me wonder if I should get the vein over my right eye checked. The freeway is empty and these people are just putting along in the passing lane. Those signs that say, “Keep right except to pass” and "slower traffic keep right" are not there for decoration. Move to the right so others can get by you.

So please, for the sake of my blood pressure and the sanity of those around you, try to be more courteous on the road. Everyone will be happier because of it

Beef Bandit Captured in Seattle

Another Infamous Meat Thief

In major cities, it seems at least one especially heinous act is committed every day. On March 23, a QFC supermarket was robbed of its innocence when a man stole $6000 worth of steak.

The man in question is one Jimmie Lane Jr. If stealing (allegedly) $6000 dollars worth of steak is not enough to prove Lane is a moron, Lane asked a worker at the store to help him load the boxes of tenderloin into his car.

The worker was a security guard.

The unanswered question is why the beef bandit was out on parole in the first place. Originally, the cutoff for police warrants on a single person in Seattle stood at 100. But Lane has had 104 warrants in the past 25 years. An unfortunate victim of society like Lane should have to take a grown-up timeout, regardless of how sorry he is.

An exception may have been made in this case. According to streams of liberal consciousness, society is the true stealer of the steak tenderloin.

Society would also be the culprit in Lane’s pending first-degree theft case –and the DUI, and the vehicle theft, and the 100 other crimes he has been accused of over the years.

It might be time to admit that some criminals should stay behind bars.

But in Lane’s case, I would also accept a padded room. He not only stole large quantities of food, but he swiped large quantities of perishable food. He would only have a week or two to sell his merchandise on the beef black market before it spoiled.

Of course, there is no beef black market (oops.)

As a word of advice to Lane’s lawyer, an insanity defense on the grounds of rank stupidity might be a good idea.

Otherwise, like a one-inch steak after 14 minutes on the grill, Lane is done.

For a slightly less opinionated look at the story, check out this article from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.

Kill Trees, Save the World

The cliché phrase "save a tree" has become our generation's response when confronted with the choice between material in print and material on the Web.

The assumption is that using the Web generates a much smaller carbon footprint than using paper. Many have fallen under this assumption without stopping to consider its validity. Thus, e-mails have replaced letters, the Internet has been replacing newspapers and e-books have started to replace books.

Here at Washington State University, President Elson S. Floyd implemented a paperless policy for university communication, and The Daily Evergreen has been trying to expand its Web presence. Above all, these changes were driven by innovative technology and new demands in a fast-paced world (and in the case of the changes at WSU, by budget cuts.) They have been perceived as "green." After all, the web is virtual. It can't do any harm.

People with sentimental attachment to print are sometimes accused of callousness toward the environment because they read in-print books rather than e-books. In the blog "Steamboats are Ruining Everything" (www.steamthings.com) Author Caleb Crain has embraced this callousness. He writes, "No, I do not care how many trees die. They should be so lucky as to be reincarnated as, say, the poems of Surrey. Ents, do you worst!"

Luckily for people like Crain, this "save a tree" assumption is finally being challenged.

In the "San Francisco Panorama" novelist and journalist Nicholson Baker suggested that paper mills may be less environmentally damaging than growing energy consumption from the Internet.

Baker toured paper mills in Maine and interviewed an expert, Don Carli, from the Institute for Sustainable Communication. Carli believes that the constantly rising demand for the Internet is exhausting the nation's energy sources.

"When we start thinking about transforming more and more of our communication to digital media," Carli said, "we really do have to be asking, 'Where will the electrons come from?'"

Baker's article is, appropriately, only in print, but an online excerpt can be read here.

I would write more, but blogging will increase my carbon footprint. I'd rather be killing trees.

Biblical Story to Become a 3-D Film

Coming soon to a theater near you will be the, ahem, true story of the Book of Genesis. Here’s the catch: it will be in 3-D.

The $30 million film from Paramount Pictures will incorporate 3-D visuals and special effects to recreate the story of Adam and Eve on screen. Filmmakers hope to capture the same audience that flocked to the insipid “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.”

There are quite a few things wrong with this development. No one should be able to make a 3-D film unless it is James Cameron. “Avatar” was a sensational experience because Cameron practically invented the technology used to create the film and actually shot the movie in 3-D. On the other hand, Tim Burton’s epic disappointment “Alice in Wonderland” was converted to 3-D in post-production, creating the visual equivalent of a dirty window.

We all know the box-office potential that 3-D entails, considering the cost of inflated ticket prices. Still, Hollywood seriously needs to cool it with the smattering of 3-D releases coming to theaters. “Alice in Wonderland” was one thing, but the upcoming third installment in the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” series will be in 3-D. Now there is this Adam and Eve story, supposedly titled, “In the Beginning.”

It seems Hollywood is aiming for population control via mass-suicide by announcing a 3-D “Alvin and the Chipmunks,” and what could possibly be more heinous you ask? Hint: the Book of Genesis.

3-D should be reserved for films with immersive cinematic qualities, and leaf-covered humans frolicking around a garden is not an experience I would call immersive.

Despite the obvious silliness of filming Bible stories as 3-D blockbusters, the idea just seems downright offensive. I am not a religious person at all, but even I paused and thought about how distasteful this would be – after I laughed for a solid two minutes, that is.

If and when the film actually happens, Christians will no doubt flock to it, but they will essentially be paying for a bastardized and gimmicky version of their beloved story. As it turns out, 3-D religion is no less curious than the 2-D version.

The King of Bad Movies Wins an Oscar

I'll leave it to others to argue how Avatar was robbed (it wasn't), how rude the "Oscar Interrupter" was (very rude), and whether or not Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin did a good job of hosting (they were okay). My beef with the 82nd Annual Academy Awards is with one of the people honored with a lifetime achievement award.

Director/producer Roger Corman has made some of the worst films ever. Yet the man is now the proud holder of a lifetime achievement award. This, above all else, makes me question the wisdom of the academy members. Corman is renowned for filming low budget movies in a matter of days and providing the first opportunities to such celebrities as Francis Ford Coppola, Jack Nicholson, James Cameron, Ron Howard and Martin Scorsese.

Being lucky enough to find future talent does not compensate for the fact that Corman has no film-making talent of his own. I have seen eight Corman films in my life through the TV cult classic, "Mystery Science Theater 3000." The basis of the show was: a man is shot into space and forced to watch the worst movies ever made as part of a bizarre experiment. The poor sap has only a few homemade robots for company.

You can see some short examples of the show here, here, here, here , here and here .

Now that you've been sufficiently entertained or scarred for life, you should understand what kind of films "Mystery Science Theater 3000" viewed. Remember, Corman had eight films that I know of screened for the show. I've been told Corman did a series of films based on Edgar Allen Poe stories which were pretty good, but those are not the films I am familiar with. Instead, my mind is tortured by the images presented in movies such as "It Conquered the World," "Attack of the Giant Leeches," "Teenage Caveman" and "Viking Women and the Sea Serpent."

But don't take my word for it. Look up these films and other Corman classics such as "The Undead," "Night of the Blood Beast," "Wasp Woman" and the original 1960 version of "Little Shop of Horrors." Then make your final judgment.

Illegal Immigrants: Do What’s Right and Don’t be Counted

With $400 billion dollars on the line, the one group of individuals least likely to fill out census forms is being lobbied to do just that.

The group in question is illegal immigrants.

With the importance of the census to state districts, many people are rallying for illegal immigrants to be counted. Meanwhile, many states are realizing the power illegal immigrants will give them in the House of Representatives and in the census-based allocation of federal funds.

These actions are, of course, blatantly unconstitutional.

Section 2 of the 14^th Amendment to the Constitution clearly excluded Native Americans not taxed by the federal government from being counted in the census.

The section states, "Representatives shall be apportioned among the several states according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each state, excluding Indians not taxed."

The thought is quite logical. Only those registered to pay taxes should be counted to receive federal funds and representation in the federal government.

In the case of illegal immigrants, many do not pay taxes on earnings, especially federal income taxes. The Constitution, which carries weight over any other law in the nation, clearly stipulates they should not be counted for the purposes of federal representation.

While this would hurt southern states the most, the Constitution is not something to trifle with. By counting illegal immigrants, new districts are created and millions if not billions of dollars are channeled to the wrong places.

This is the best case scenario. With the current political situation, the upcoming federal election may very well be determined by how many illegal immigrants are counted.

If advocacy groups truly care about Constitutional rights, they should advise their members to follow the Constitution and not be counted.

For more about the U.S. Census go to:http://www.census.gov/

For more on the U.S. Constitution, specifically the 14^th Amendment go to: http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/constitution_amendments_11-27.html