The penultimate porcelain throne: Best bathroom

Tyler DeLong | Evergreen columnist

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The john, the loo, the pinnacle of porcelain poopers, which campus bathroom gets your vote? We checked the polls and the results are in, hold your breath folks.

In a close contest that plopped many contenders awry, the 2015 Student Choice Award for Best Bathroom goes to – the CUB!

I absolutely had to go see for myself. If the rumors are true, which is rare, and students are as awe-struck as it sounds, then I am in for an experience worth a lifetime.

Research into the matter left me spellbound. Clean, clear and crisp, like the tap water that flows therein, the refreshing scent and the serene white throne left me feeling renewed, no, cleansed.

Nowhere on campus does the water flow quite like wine. Nowhere is the surplus of suds as sustained, and no better place are the dryers designed for the dripping quite like the bathroom bourgeois of the Compton Union Building.

I can only image the women’s room was as pristine and flawless as the men’s – each urinal adorning a cake, each stall yielding multiple rolls.

I must admit, I am quite shy when it comes to evacuation. The exposure and vulnerability of public restrooms often halt the otherwise free-flowing nature of my bladder. But not in the CUB.

No, in the CUB it is almost as if you are alone in the luxury of your own home. My bashful bladder turns confident and bold. There is a want to dance and sway, a desire to whistle a tune following a whole-hearted shudder and sigh.

Whether you are a shy defecator or relish in dropping depth charges – mind that splash-back, by the way – the stalls in the CUB hold the paramount of porcelain thrones.

The cubicles are vacant and welcoming, like a hideaway providing sanctuary to your wandering mind and a refuge for your crowded gut.

The ambiance is so pleasing, in fact, that the buzz of the busy bodies fades, and in its place, a soothing array of instrumentals meets your unsettled mind.

I half expected to exit the stall and encounter sinks embellished with scented candles, and find myself deep in the recesses of a spa, high in the hills of Southeast Asia.

Not once have I left those bathrooms angry or perturbed. Nor have I seen a person exit in a fouler mood than when they entered. It’s just the opposite, actually. Angry dispositions transform to calm demeanors instantaneously, and for good reason.

More interesting than the ability to transform an atmosphere is the prospect of every bathroom living up to these standards.

Envisage your life, your perfect place of serenity. Now multiply that peaceful feeling exponentially and imagine that sensation each time you departed a campus bathroom.

Congratulations, CUB. Not only have you successfully provided an excellent source of calm in this crazy college life, but you also have bestowed upon me a new place to do my business.