The magic and myths of makeup sex

Abby Student Evergreen Relationship columnist

Dear Abby,

Does makeup sex really work? I’ve heard that it’s awesome. How do people flip their switch so quickly? After a fight, I’m not in the mood, let alone in the mood for passionate, earth-shattering sex.

Sincerely,

Pissed off and getting off

 

Dear Pissed off and getting off,

There are many schools of thought on this. While I personally feel there is no better way to relieve tension than good old-fashioned exercise, there are others that think that makeup sex undermines the seriousness of an argument and forms long-term unhealthy habits.

Makes one wonder- why the jump from explosive fight to romantic night in the first place? Logically, one wouldn’t think that two people would go directly from a state of disagreement to one of total intimacy.

Science has narrowed it down to a simple transfer in the arousal response. In 1974, Psychologists Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron conducted The Bridge Experiment to examine the transfer between the human fear response and sexual response. After surveying 85 males, Dutton and Aron found a relationship between states of high anxiety and sexual arousal.

The two psychologists contacted subjects on two bridges, one that they considered to be a “fear-arousing” suspension bridge, and another much safer bridge. While on the bridges, an attractive woman approached the subjects and asked them to fill out questionnaires.

The questionnaires revealed that men on the “fear arousing” bridge had a much higher sexual attraction to the female interviewer than those on the safer bridge, and even sought post-experimental contact with her.

Psychologists say that for the majority of people, the adrenaline response or threatening feelings we experience during an argument can be easily transferred when sexually provoked.

But why do couples describe this sex to be unforgettable and more passionate?

Helen Fisher, Ph.D., anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of “The First Sex” explains it on the chemical level.

“When you fight, anger drives up testosterone in both men and women,” she said. “If you go to bed with increased testosterone and agitation, the sex drive is going to be stronger.”

Those that sing the praises of makeup sex characterize their sex as more aggressive and primal in nature. Afterward, they say they feel more intimate and emotionally reconnected to their partner.

While all of this seems perfectly healthy to me, remember that with anything fun there will always be party poopers. I am obligated to present both sides, even that of the pooper.

Those on the flipside of the argument say that having makeup sex reinforces drama and emotionally unstable behavior; it gives both partners the idea that there will be reward after a blowout. This encourages them to fight intensely and often.

Regardless of where you stand, here are a few specific dos and don’ts if you choose to get down after a showdown.

Glamour magazine author Ariane Marder recommends that you stay the course by making sure you have truly resolved the issue before jumping into bed. Don’t use it to solve the problem, but rather to celebrate that you already have.

Marder also warns not to interrupt your “nookie” with any more talking points. If you have something you need to add, wait until after. Don’t bring it up when people are naked.

Finally, she advises that you do not rely too heavily on the passion of makeup sex. If this is the only thing that gets you both sexually excited, your partnership probably isn’t worth holding on to.

In the end, if you’re going to have makeup sex, do so to enhance feelings of resolution and intimacy with your partner. Use the chemicals pumping through your body for good, whether that’s having sex or going for a run.