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Satire: WSU puts stock in search for absurd titles

Students express concerns that fancy titles are distracting

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist

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The university is now searching for a vice assistant prime chancellor of titles, positions and frivolous adjectives. This position was created after the search began for an associate vice president of community, equity and inclusive excellence. It is one of two added positions to explore the many titles one single person can hold. The second position is a new secretary and monetary review director of the English Honorifics Club.

Kenzie O’Hara, a student lacking any of these titles, expressed concerns about how meaningful the descriptors were regarding each new position. O’Hara — not Dr. O’Hara, or President O’Hara, or even Mrs. O’Hara — claimed that official-sounding names didn’t necessarily make people more accessible.

“We don’t need our leaders to have more fancy job names,” she said. “We need it to be clear what exactly they’re doing. The addition of more adjectives at the front doesn’t do that, it just makes it more confusing.”

Another student expressed similar concerns regarding the naming of administrative positions. Siobhan Stacy, founder and co-treasurer of the Council of Student and Faculty Relations, also reflected the sentiments of O’Hara. She told the search firm that titles didn’t matter, meaningful connections do.

Stacy said that she hoped that the university would ditch the goofy-sounding names and just start showing up to student activities instead.

“It’s like trying to find meaning in all the prefixes of a word,” Stacy, an English major, said. “They don’t mean anything if there’s nothing at the heart of it, no root.”

Associate manager of reasonable belief systems Sir Michael Lindgren, a potential candidate for the new position, scoffed at both O’Hara’s and Stacy’s claims.

“I have found in my vast experience that students prefer to delegate authority to a leader of many titles,” he said. “They don’t care if you show up to their events. Kids these days are always on their phones anyway. Remote communication creates synergy.”

Lindgren, however, did nod to Stacy’s position as founder and co-treasurer of CSFR.

“It’s a shame she doesn’t add another adjective or two to that title,” he said. “She’d likely see an increase in accessibility and connectivity if she did.”

A series of faculty forums will be held within the next few weeks to identify potential candidates for the new vice assistant prime chancellor of titles. The search will be more open to students through social media polls.

Anna Young is a freshman creative writing major from Helena, Montana. She can be contacted at [email protected]