Satire: ‘The dads … they aren’t normal’

Students, locals should be careful as dads come into town

Anna Young, Evergreen columnist

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Dad’s Weekend is coming. These four words strike fear in the hearts of residents across Pullman as they prepare for the flood of dads in the next few days. The locals are no strangers to this event, having weathered several past Dad’s Weekends.

“These dads … they aren’t normal,” said Colton Chang, a grad student who has studied Dad’s Weekend for the past three years. “They’ll be feeding on the power of the Stanford football game and the opportunity to see Seth Meyers live. Did you know Seth Meyers is a father? His presence will only make them stronger.”

This phenomenon is known as the Father Lode Effect. Weaker dads absorb the powers of a successful megadad, which multiplies their embarrassment capabilities exponentially. In large numbers, as there will be at WSU, this effect can be deadly to the social lives of students.

“Essentially, every joke Meyers makes is a dad joke, simply because it came from a dad,” Chang said. “That’s a lot of power for one man to have, and a lot of power for all those dads to witness.”

A high concentration of dads in town presents a danger not only to students, but to business owners as well.

“You’ve really got to be careful around them,” said Melissa Steele, owner of the Pullman Historical Pub and Grill. “Last year, I made the mistake of trying to blend in, you know, like mumbling about brains in a crowd of zombies. So when I heard a dad say he was hungry, I responded with ‘Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.’ ”

Afterward, the restaurant went silent, and many of the patrons appeared to clearly be upset. Steele said that she was later told that this was a major appropriation of dad culture.

While the encounter was uncomfortable for Steele, she maintains that the experience had its positive points as well.

“I saw more than a few women wearing old baseball caps and dancing poorly in the middle of the restaurant,” she said. “That’s a big move for feminism. They were proving that women can be dads, too.”

Still, it’s important to keep in mind the dangers of Dad’s Weekend. Chang’s research concludes that a dad can smell a hardware store from up to three miles away and a barbecue from nearly five. Students should do their best to dissuade their own fathers from coming to campus, but not put themselves at risk.

“After all, it’s not a mad dad students should fear,” Chang said. “A dad who is just disappointed is much worse.”

Anna Young is a freshman creative writing major from Helena, Montana. She can be contacted at [email protected]