Breaking “Toys R Us” from bad

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, human beings of all ages: please, for this edition’s article from yours truly, come on down with me to the Meth Lab of Democracy — or Florida, as the kids call it these days.

Now, for those of you who don’t know, the state is famous for its unbridled lunacy in all areas of life. One day it’s the Republican candidate for governor refusing to join a political debate over the presence of a fan on the stage, the next it’s an aspiring rapper having his show shut down for giving out cocaine to the crowd.

If you thought I was going to harp on about either of those two stories, you’re mistaken. Florida Man gets all his fair share of coverage on the Twitter account that bears his name. Instead, I have a bone to pick with Florida Woman, specifically Susan Schrijver of Fort Meyers, Florida.

On Oct. 23, USA Today reported on Schrijver’s petition to Toys R Us to remove figures based on characters from “Breaking Bad” from its stores nationwide. Now, surely you are thinking to yourself, “Bah, this is not the 1990s or early 2000s anymore, no major corporation is going to cave into the demands of a handful of wing nuts on the Internet, what a bunch of hooey!”

Well, I hate to tell you this, but you’re mistaken. After accumulating several thousand signatures from like-minded buffoons on the web, the company announced on Oct. 21 that the figures were “taking an indefinite sabbatical.” Wow. I am rarely amazed by anything anymore, but this sort of cowardice stuns me. It gets even more pathetic when you look at some of the other figures still up for sale by the same company  that gave into the ranting of a silly woman from Florida.

Need to get your fix for figurines that depict Sylvester Stallone at the height of his career and probable steroid abuse? Well then, Toys R Us has the product for you. For only $18.99 plus shipping and handling, you can have a figure of John Rambo from First Blood Part II delivered straight to you. So you can satiate your brimming bloodlust, the figure also comes with a toy RPG and a hand grenade. Mmm. I’m sure the children of the world will be harmed by it.

Ah, but there’s more! Are you a young child that needs titillation but does not have access to Internet pornography? Well, Toys R Us sure has what you’re looking for. Give this cowardly company $25.00 and you can have your very own figure of Nancy the stripper from Sin City. Complete with her trademark slutty outfit that would look at home on Greek Row this Halloween. I’m sure this figure sets a very positive example for young children. No doubt.

Look, the bottom line here is that Toys R Us is a cowardly and immensely hypocritical company. If they’ll stock toys from other violent properties, they shouldn’t be able to refuse ones from Breaking Bad. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Media Law, it’s that the chain is not being content-neutral here. Return the figures, Toys R Us, or else I’ll send you to Belize.