All your hard work has finally paid off, and you’ve made it to an accredited four-year university. The first thing you’ll want to do is flunk out as soon and as hard as possible. Sure, you’ve studied and gone to class for the last four years to get here, but this is college: everything is harder and requires more effort. So, really, why bother?

One could, in theory, stay in college all four years until he or she has gained the skills, experience and connections necessary for a prosperous career. But to what end? To get a job? Your parents have jobs, and they’re lame.

I know it might be tempting to go to class, but even that might be just enough effort to not fail. You’ll probably learn something simply by being in the room. Then the test will come, and you’ll start answering questions correctly, and next thing you know you’ll have a diploma and a future, and futures are scary.

College is all about drinking, partying and sleep. Why go outside and experience the myriad of activities campus has to offer, when you could lie in bed all day doing absolutely nothing? Don’t even think about getting some exercise at the Student Recreation Center or engaging in any of our numerous intramural sports. You might accidentally get healthy and start living better, or something awful like that.

No, sleeping all the time and playing video games is what you really want. Sure, you probably could have avoided spending tens of thousands of dollars by doing that at home, but what’s being lazy if you’re not paying for it?

Now I know once the Fs start rolling in and your parents start calling to pester you about it, you might feel pressured to aim higher. Don’t do it. All over campus there are centers that offer counseling, tutoring and other resources, but clearly your best option is to stay home and reflect on past mistakes. Why even consider how successful you can be in the future? No, feeling sorry for yourself is where real success lies.

Don’t end up like so many others before you. This year, I and so many others will enter our senior year of college, and we couldn’t be more miserable. Graduation is on the horizon, and while there’s still time to throw away opportunities, doing so won’t be nearly as costly or as fun as it could have been.

If it sounds like I’m being sarcastic here, that’s because I’m being really, really sarcastic. Take none of those words seriously because college is not complicated. It takes a lot of hard work and many late nights. You need to go to class, and you need to study. But all of that will make you a better person.

For the best experience you can hope to get in college, start by doing the one thing that everyone everywhere tells you to do: Go to class, and listen.