Numbers hold no value when factoring sexual history

On my drive back to the west side for spring break last week, I had a conversation that reminded me just how polar-opposite two people from the same planet can be.

As my passenger, a devout Christian, began to open up and expand on his religious views, the sex columnist in me saw a chance to discuss human sexuality, specifically saving oneself for marriage.

 “If my spouse had more than three partners before me, I would always be suspicious that she was going to cheat,” he said.

Dumfounded, I kept driving. I thought, since when did a high number of sexual partners imply infidelity down the road?

Being familiar with the stigma that people with a high number of sexual partners are immoral, insecure and attention seeking, I thought I had heard it all. But this was a new one. As the hours passed, I realized that regardless of which side of the fence we stand on, we generally cast stones at and make assumptions about those standing our opposite. He might have been judging students like me for their sexual transgressions, but I was unfairly judging him just the same.

After only 30 minutes of conversation, I had mentally reduced him to a prude, judgmental, naïve, and overzealous Jesus freak.

Unfortunately, American culture condemns whores and virgins alike. But in this “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” society of ours, what do you do?

According to data from the National Center of Health Statistics in 2005, the average American man between age 30 and 44 reported bedding seven women in his lifetime, whereas women bedded only four men.

Although there are outliers on both ends of the spectrum, it seems that men care more about their significant other’s previous partners than women do. The double standard and social constructions that plagued our parent’s generation are alive and well. However, modern women aren’t behaving accordingly.

We’ve heard the math behind it all. Men multiply their number by two and women divide theirs by three and subtract one. Whatever the exact mathematic formula, the principle remains the same: men are expected to maximize; women, downsize. In turn, the truth has been lost in calculation.

A study published in the Journal of Sex Research in 2003 debunked the age-old theory that men have more sexual partners than their female peers. In a study of 300 college students, half of the participants were given a survey about a variety of embarrassing behaviors, at which time they were hooked up to a polygraph that they believed was working. The other half were given a survey without a lie detector. In regards to most behaviors, the students were honest. But the pressure to conform proved itself when it came down to sexual behaviors.

In general, the men attached to the polygraph reported lower numbers than those taking the survey without, but the women attached reported higher numbers than those that had the opportunity to lie in their survey.

In 2013, researchers reinvestigated these findings and discovered that American men and women continue to lie even as gender roles evolve. Experts attribute such discrepancies to both accidental misinformation and intentional fabrication, begging the question: why do we still care?

Statistically speaking, medical experts advise that you care for several reasons. As your number of partners increases, logically, your likelihood of contracting an sexually transmitted infection rises. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nearly half of the 20 million newly-diagnosed STDs each year affect people between the ages of 15 and 24. For women, these numbers can be a life sentence.

Women who are left untreated for extended periods of time suffer long-term consequences such as pelvic inflammatory disease, tubal scarring, infertility, ectopic pregnancy, and chronic pelvic pain. Recognizing that it only takes only one sexual encounter to contract an STI, wearing condoms is essential in protecting yourself regardless of your partner count.

Physicians advise practicing safe sex and frequently getting tested for STIs. If you receive a clean bill of health, I think whether or not you choose to disclose your number is up to you. If you feel inclined to share, be prepared for the consequences.

For those of you who identify with my passenger and believe that this number defines a person’s moral compass, respectability, or worthiness, I urge you to do some introspection. Figure out why a number, high or low, matters to you and if it stems from your own insecurities. If so, don’t ask for theirs. Your partner doesn’t deserve to suffer because of your emotional baggage.

In general, I recommend instituting the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, unless you’re in a serious relationship and both want to discuss the matter. Once you know something like that, it sticks in your mind and can cause you a fair bit of psychological agony. Frankly, you don’t know the reasoning behind your partners’ experiences or where they fit in the context of their life.

In the end, be true to yourself but be safe. Abide by a moral code that you are comfortable with and don’t let others bring you down. Remember the words of Bernard Baruch, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”