Stay alive, learn from horror tropes

Grasp mistakes scary movie characters make, survive attacks from crazed killers

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JENIN REYES | THE DAILY EVERGREEN

Look back at your killer for a maximum of .2 seconds or else you won’t make it out alive.

LAUREN ELLENBECKER, Evergreen Mint editor

Did you hear that? It must’ve just been your idiot neighbor dinking around in his garden again. Wait, but it’s 1 a.m. and you live in an apartment. Did that shadow in your hallway just move — you should definitely investigate. Surprise, surprise, you just got stabbed to death and it was all your fault.

How would individuals in 2018 become subjected to such an unglorified death, especially since we’ve been seeing these deadly mistakes in movies most of our lives? The horror movie genre has a knack for setting up characters’ personalities similarly in different movies so frequently that their demise becomes predictable within the first five minutes of the film starting.

Don’t let this be you and don’t be stupid, my friend. However, if you aren’t aware of the warning signs, read these general guidelines below to avoid being on the slaughter list.

 

If you feel like there’s potential for a paranormal event, go with that instinct and GTFO

 

This is to all of my fellow skeptics out there. Sometimes seeing leads to believing, but the plot of a horror movie rarely grants you this opportunity and kills you off before you can claim ghosts are real. These spirits make it a point to make themselves known to those who aren’t believers and typically this doesn’t have a happy ending.

Additionally, don’t even glance at that Ouija board. Good job, you believe in ghosts so you avoided being the slain skeptic. However, this doesn’t mean you should talk to spirits especially through a Hasbro Ouija board. It’s likely that 10 out of 10 times, whatever fallen loved one you’re trying to contact is not speaking with you — it’s probably a childish spirit seeking revenge.


Don’t own a phone

 

Scary movie logic dismisses the common sense most of us have. If you get a phone call from an unknown number and decide to answer it, take the heavy breathing from the other end as a warning sign. Don’t just put the phone down and dismiss it as someone butt-dialing you because later you’re going to get chased up the stairs by some masked psychopath wielding a kitchen knife.

I know what you’re thinking: what if I need the police to help me? Well, in scary movies they’re unreliable anyway and you’re going to need to handle the situation yourself. To summarize, the best way to avoid getting killed is to not own a phone — just to be safe don’t even use a pigeon. Maybe just don’t speak to people in the first place.

Don’t be the lovable stoner of your group

 

The goofy and lovable friend that happens to partake in some herb is always going to be on the hit list. You can’t win over a serial killer with your charm or your green goods, only with an axe to the head (well, sometimes that won’t even work).

If you can’t give up your stoner ways, blaze it as much as you can before you’re about to kick the can. Who knows, maybe you’ll miraculously survive an attack like Marty from “Cabin in the Woods” with the help of his handy dandy collapsible bong and weed-induced paranoia.

Be a decent human being

 

Believe it or not, kindness or basic civility can actually save you in horrific circumstances. The jerk of the group is always an insufferable character who usually gets killed off quickly.

Plus, don’t be an asshole in the first place.

Be a virgin

 

Yes, you read that correctly. Horror movies have this way of creating an empowered hero, aka “The Final Girl,” but immediately roundhouse kicks that concept in the face by making her “the purest of them all.”

This trope is common in most horror films (cough, “Halloween,” cough) and represents a wholesome, pure and virginal character to face off with the killer in an action-packed battle.

Although this list barely scratches the surface of survival tips in a horror movie, I hope these guidelines will help prepare you for whatever crazed and mask-wearing villain comes your way.