Tongue in cheek critique

There are more than 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Couples of Pullman, you have somehow managed to get on every single one of mine.

My fresh-off-the-bench single status has given me a unique perspective on both couples and singles alike. Although a month ago I was caught in a thick romantic haze, in the words of Johnny Nash, “I can see clearly now.”

In my newfound clarity, I look around and can’t help but wonder what happened. In my time away, did young couples up the ante or have they always been so annoying?

The last few weeks I observed couples in their natural habitat. I scoured the campus, went out to restaurants, and partied like a rock star. Yes, for those of you questioning my dedication, I even partied in the name of research.

Among several behaviors that irritated me, I identified a core four that I find the most repulsive. I call them: the conjoined twin, the chatterbox, the fighter, and PDA primetime.

First, do not morph into one organism. You did not enter this world as conjoined twins and unless you two perform a wicked circus act, your being attached at the hip doesn’t impress anyone.

Spend time apart, develop separate friend groups and interests, and sleep at your own place every once in a while. Treat yourselves as two whole people, and not two halves that complete one another. Provided that you have met ‘the one,’ you have the rest of your life to spend together. There’s no need for you to settle down now. Use college to explore yourself, develop meaningful friendships, and figure out what you want long term.

According to a article, “While too much independence ― the kind that leads to infidelity or workaholism ― is a marriage breaker, too much dependence isn’t the answer either.” 

“People need to have a separate life and existence to feel validated as individuals. They can’t live solely as somebody’s partner,” said Steven Nock, a sociology professor and author of “Marriage in Men’s Lives,” in another article on

From a friend’s point of view, your merged lifestyle proves annoying. If we know that every night you’re going to rush off to your significant other, we become accustomed to the idea that our time together is limited. Don’t be surprised if your support system has significantly dwindled when you two do break up.

Unless your last name is Swift, it is unacceptable to constantly rant about your relationship problems to the world. I’m looking at you, chatterboxes. Keep talking to a minimum regarding your relationship, especially if it’s negative information. Of course, if you have a real problem, discuss it with your close friends. That’s what they’re there for.

However, if you’re continuously abusing the privilege and casting your significant other in a negative light, your friends will eventually hate them. 

Don’t be surprised when they try to convince you to end it. Even more, don’t expect them to tolerate you gushing about future marriage plans with them. They’re not mean. They’re sane and examining plain facts. One day you will appreciate the difference.

My next point stems from the old adage “pick your battles.” Instead, I encourage the fighters of Pullman to “pick your battlefield.”

While being able to determine what is worth arguing about and what to let go is key to the success of a relationship, recognizing where it is appropriate to have a blowout is crucial.  As a frequent observer of both the passive-aggressive couple and those reminiscent of a 90s WWE cage match, I find myself very uncomfortable. Whether you think you’re being sly by making snide comments or are committed to waging an all-out war, your fight introduces a social tension to the room that is suffered by all.

It’s simple. Don’t air your dirty laundry in public.

Wait until you get home or sequester yourselves away from the group. Develop a time-out hand gesture that you can give one another when you feel things starting to escalate. Respecting each other in public is something you should already strive to do, as psychologists believe it is essential to ‘healthy fighting’ and all-around positive communication. Still, if you need further encouragement, do it for your friends.

This rule applies to couples that fight on Facebook as well. Don’t post passive aggressive statuses or statuses directly telling of what’s happening in your relationship. In reality, we’re laughing at your immaturity.

I can guarantee that any ‘like’ you receive on these statuses is one of sarcasm.

As my final grievance, I beg of you, please limit your personal displays of affection. I have to admit, I am guilty of doing it myself. I stopped in high school, whereas others have not. This one is for you sidewalk blockers, lip lockers, and into-eye-staring gawkers.

Every day, I see at least two couples around campus doing everything short of dry humping. For me, this induces dry heaving. Don’t be mistaken- small kisses, short hugs, winks, and playful butt squeezes are cute. They showcase the fun side of your relationship.

Even cynics enjoy seeing little nuances of love; I think it gives us hope. A poll from revealed that of 7,861 voters, 65 percent considered closed mouth kissing acceptable in public.

On the flipside of that, lingering hugs, making out, and staring into each other’s eyes are activities you should save for when you’re behind closed doors.

I know I sound bitter, but I play for the other team now. As a firm believer in the power of teamwork I am obligated to tell you that there is no ”I” in team. But there is a “U” in suck. So, stop sucking and start thinking about those around you.