COURTESY OF PIXABAY
Something I love about this time of year is the constant feeling of anticipation. You’re preparing for something, but not everybody really knows what.
You can anticipate going home and sitting down at a perfectly decorated table with a cornucopia of seasonal food. Inevitably, it is decided that this is the perfect time to discuss how everyone in the family voted in the midterm elections. Every family has an a–hole in it, and if you think your family doesn’t have one, then it’s you. You’re the a–hole.
That’s the sort of conversation that shouldn’t be brought up. It’s supposed to happen naturally as the day continues in drunken and wine-soaked bliss, and that’s my job. Whether it’s Thanksgiving or friendsgiving or whatever “-giving” you’re having, let me make it boozy and festive for all to enjoy. Or hate.
First comes the parade. The traditional televised plod through New York City provides the perfect drinking game opportunity, so grab a mimosa, Bloody Mary or some shot glasses and dig in.
Take a shot if the anchor is wearing a ridiculously stupid fall hat, drink every time Al Roker takes credit for something he can’t possibly have done and drink every time the anchors make a pun about the floats.
Now that the basics are covered, drink whenever you see the latest boy band sensation lip sync their latest pop rock garbage, every time a marching band plays a song from a movie or a Top 40 hit and every time the anchors mention Santa. Toward the end of the game, lift a glass to the man in red and down the drink.
You have it: the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade drinking game. If you’re feeling ballsy, make a drinking game out of the National Dog Show that follows.
Moving from the living room to the dining room, know what wine to serve with your turkey because you’re a classy bastard. If you’re roasting or baking your turkey, find yourself an aged and oaked chardonnay or a light pinot noir. I would recommend something from the Sonoma Valley for both. If you’re smoking your turkey, then go for a Paso Robles zinfandel or an old world Rhone-style blend with Grenache or Syrah.
For those of you who fry your turkey, get yourself a light rose and remember that real men drink pink. Or, try a German Riesling. If you’re a Thanksgiving Jedi Master and make the legendary turducken, reward yourself with an elegant Bordeaux, Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon, or a Washington Cabernet Franc. You earned it.
If you’re a mutant having tofurkey or a honey glazed ham on Thanksgiving, then you might as well go for a very fruity pinot noir or an old world Alsace pinot gris.
At the end of the booze-fueled day, no matter how much shade was thrown at the table or screaming that occurred during the evening, sit down and remember that you all love each other. Plus, Christmas is just four weeks away. You get to scream at each other then, too.
Since Santa has marched his jolly butt down the street, you are allowed to put your tree and Christmas decorations up. Good job for not jumping on the Christmas bandwagon too early. Happy Thanksgiving, you drunken bastards and bottoms up.