Letter from the Mint editor: Please don’t break grandma’s heart before turkey is served

Be a good human being, don’t stir drama at your home Thanksgiving feast

LAUREN ELLENBECKER, Evergreen reporter

Mashed potato chunks were soaring across the long wooden table, grandma was beating brother with a greasy turkey leg and mom was sobbing over the fact that her family hadn’t touched her rhubarb crisp yet.

Luckily I haven’t experienced anything like this in my family, although it seems like the perfect flavor of drama. Despite the reoccurring expectation that a family argues during this grand feast, my household usually has a lovely and equally uneventful Thanksgiving.

To summarize: we eat as much as we can until we roll out of our chairs and plop into the comfort of a fluffy cushion. Silence serves as our soft blanket as we drift into a food coma. Seems kind of perfect, right?

Well, I can recognize that sometimes the war-esque family battles commonly seen in TV shows can happen in real life. I also understand that you may try to arm yourself with verbal grenades or a factual sword as you run into combat (aka the inevitable family drama), but stay strong and be the bigger person.

Let’s be real. You’re not going to convince your grandma that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer (even if you feel like it’s the truth with 100 percent of your heart) or change your dad’s view on tax reform. Even if you did have a chance to do so, trying to persuade them over marshmallow-covered yams is not the proper time to tackle the situation.

Around this time of the year, you can find articles that provide a guide on how to win arguments with relatives with ease. The sad truth is that there is no universal rule book that tells you how to dropkick your brother into the hard floor of knowledge. However, what if you took all of the energy you put toward crafting brilliant arguments and focused it on getting along with your family?

You might travel miles and miles to be with your family for just a few days — why ruin that with a heated dispute? Ditch the talk about elephants or donkeys, Pepsi or Cola and Yanny or Laurel. Enjoy the fleeting moments you have with your family before you have to come back to Dead Week.

Just in case you still require guides and lists to function, I have a special one for the upcoming holiday.

Guide to be a good effing person – Thanksgiving edition

  1. Avoid the political mockery.
  2. Show your gratitude without being fake.
  3. Avoid getting hammered in front of grandpa — his heart can’t take it.
  4. I don’t know, show empathy like a decent human?
  5. Save the tea for tea time, so no drama at the dinner table please.
  6. Prevent yourself from eating the last croissant. The Pillsbury Doughboy taught you better.
  7. Help with dishes.
  8. Make sure the memes you share at the dinner table are appropriate.
  9. Try not to pass out before everyone is done eating.