Better than a lover, music proves stronger than significant other

I have never felt about someone the way I feel about music. When I finally do, then I will know that they are special.

I have yet to experience knee-buckling, chills running down my spine, take-a-bullet-for-him crazy love. I am turning 22 years old in a month.

At this age, I know people who have committed to spending the rest of their lives together. Does that bother me?

Truthfully, yes. At times it does. Of course I want to meet someone who shoots me up in the clouds, high as a kite. Of course I want to find my ‘other half,’ my ‘soul mate.’

But, I have not. I have not met the man of my dreams. I have yet to find someone who makes me giddy and moves me to tears all at once.

I am still waiting for him.

And yet, I am not bitter about it. There is something else that occupies my mind constantly, and it has been as long as I can remember, through thick and thin. I’ve been comforted, encouraged, upset, angry, saddened, and ecstatic with it.

The other day I was sitting in the library working on some homework. Admittedly, I normally sit near the front doors of the library to eye all the people coming in and maybe catch a glimpse of a good-looking fellow. However, this day I had to get work done so I hid away in a tiny desk in a back corner. 

I have to have the perfect music to study to, so I was searching around my computer and began listening to Hammock’s album “Departure Songs.” All of a sudden, I was in another world. Here I was, in the midst of piles of books and studious people and I was tearing up and feeling butterflies all at once.

It’s one of the few things I hold true in my life. Music is what I am passionate about. I am absolutely, insane, stupidly sold-out in love with it. Music is what sweeps me off my feet, head in the clouds and dreamily drunk.

Two nights ago, I came home to an empty house. I live with five other girls and our neighbors have a house of four guys, so I am rarely all alone at home. I threw on Bombay Bicycle Club’s new album “So Long, See You Tomorrow,” and started sautéing some mushrooms.

I could not contain my feelings. I was literally giddy, jumping up and down and laughing. All of a sudden I was having a one-man dance party in my kitchen. I didn’t even care though.

When I saw Purity Ring and Blue Hawaii at The Neptune Theatre in Seattle, or Ben Howard for the first time at The Moore Theatre, the same feelings overtook me.

The best way I can describe it is an allover tingling sensation, as the rest of the room melts away and I am one with the music. Everything makes sense; there is warmth in my soul and the music rings true inside of my bones.

I think this is the feeling that everyone is searching for in life: completion, a high of some sort. 

I am so thankful for music and the impact that it has had on my life, the elation and ecstasy that I have experienced, the relief of depression and anxiety, and the rescue from suicide.

If this is love, so be it. I am all for it. If something like music can move me this much, I’m curious what it will take for a person to affect me in that way. But for now, my heart is happy and I am full.

Today, on Valentine’s Day, music is my mister, and I am okay with that.