Satire: Impress your suitor with fun first date ideas

Romantic lentil-field picnics, fast food dates, silent library outings will woo your crush

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Satire: Impress your suitor with fun first date ideas

It’s easy to be nervous for a first date, but keeping some tricks in your pocket will help you feel confident. Be sure to be yourself around your potential suitor, even if that involves dressing like a slob or being rude to waiters.

It’s easy to be nervous for a first date, but keeping some tricks in your pocket will help you feel confident. Be sure to be yourself around your potential suitor, even if that involves dressing like a slob or being rude to waiters.

ABBY LINNENKOHL | EVERGREEN PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

It’s easy to be nervous for a first date, but keeping some tricks in your pocket will help you feel confident. Be sure to be yourself around your potential suitor, even if that involves dressing like a slob or being rude to waiters.

ABBY LINNENKOHL | EVERGREEN PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

ABBY LINNENKOHL | EVERGREEN PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

It’s easy to be nervous for a first date, but keeping some tricks in your pocket will help you feel confident. Be sure to be yourself around your potential suitor, even if that involves dressing like a slob or being rude to waiters.

TRINITY PIERCE, Evergreen columnist

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For those with a crush, Valentine’s Day is probably one of the best days to confess your attraction or make the first move and ask your crush on a date. However, many often freeze after they receive the unexpected answer of “yes” from their crush and end up canceling due to fear of taking their crush on an extremely lame date.

Luckily, this article is coming out just in time to assist you nerds by providing absolutely fantastic first date ideas that are proven to be successful through testing.

For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to the date as if they were a woman. Nevertheless, this article applies to both men and women. So, whip out a notepad and pencil, because this article is the only article you should take notes from.

The first date idea is a nice one for those who like surprises.

Ominously tell your crush to wait for you at precisely 3:30 a.m. in the nearest wheat field. After they say yes, it’s time to prepare for the date.

Run to your nearest store and grab a canvas bag, dirt and a nice raggedy plaid shirt with some lovely brown pants. Be sure to remember a worn-out hat. So many people dress up for their first date that they forget the effect that dressing down can have. By dressing down, you transform into a relatable, hard-working dude(tte) who doesn’t care about societal expectations. By showing you don’t care, you’re really showing you care. If this advice sounds like doublethink a la “1984,” you’re already overthinking too much.

Now that you’re properly dressed, prepare a lovely picnic a few miles away from the appointed meeting place. In the picnic, include all of your date’s favorite dishes, which you’ll have gotten after religiously stalking their social media. If they don’t have social media, guess and pray that they don’t have any serious food allergies. Now, you’re ready for the date to begin, which is when you crouch in the fields to wait for your crush to arrive.

Little does your date know that, when they arrive at the wheat field, they will be (romantically) carried off into the twilight for a lovely outdoor picnic. In the event your crush panics, make sure to chase after them. Some people really enjoy being chased because it makes them feel important.

Whether they mean it literally or figuratively is irrelevant.

The second date idea is to invite them out to your local McDonald’s.

While I know this may seem basic, what you do after is what’s most important. Upon arriving at McDonald’s, be sure to berate the cashier for every little mistake. If they don’t commit any mistakes, insult them anyway. This asserts your dominance and demonstrates to your date that you are a total Chad.

After insulting the cashier to the point of tears, it’s time to take your seat. While your date may have a weird look on their face, it’s merely because they’re at a loss for words over the large quantity of wit you just displayed.

In order to reassure her that you are a relatable guy, you need to regale her with your life story. Don’t ask her any questions about herself, as she might not be able to handle the pressure of saying something wrong and will leave.

As you tell her your entire life story, make sure to say only favorable things about yourself. This can be a little tricky when it comes to discussing your exes. When discussing your exes, be sure to explain how they were extremely crazy and provide great examples to support your claims, like how one of your exes refused to give you access to all of her social media after she talked a little too long with a Starbucks barista.

If your date says she’s not feeling well and needs to leave, be sure to insist on driving her to the nearest hospital. There’s no telling how serious illness is, as the symptoms can be misleading.

Finally, a third date idea.

Invite her to a library. Once there, choose your favorite book and have you read it together as a bonding activity. Of course, make sure you both read silently since you’re in a library. It would be unwise to be rude and create a bad first impression, after all.

Upon completing a few chapters, make her watch a documentary with you about the meat industry to show you’re #woke. If she attempts to make a move, make sure to deny it so she knows you’re a gentleman. For example, if you can tell she’s about to try and kiss you, start loudly eating chips. By keeping your mouth full, your lips stay empty. Finally, after a touchless, mostly-silent evening, call a taxi. Don’t let your date know until the taxi arrives, because after she’s forced to leave, she’ll realize how much your time is worth.

With these three date ideas, you’ll be seducing ladies (or men) left and right. If there’s ever too many people chasing you, just do the opposite of what this advice tells you and they’ll definitely leave you alone. Either way, you’ll have a great Valentine’s Day.