Although Macklemore and Ryan Lewis may spring to mind when the words pop up in conversation, thrift shops have been hoarder havens for generations.

From John Denver’s “Rhymes and Reasons” (1969) on vinyl to John Denver’s “All Aboard!” (1997) on cassette, thrift stores have every item a John Denver enthusiast could ever want. However, the items you should not buy at these stores range as far as the Rocky Mountains are high.

The No. 1 thing you should not purchase at a thrift shop is any article of clothing with a picture of a cat on it. As crazy cat ladies revealed centuries ago, the tabby insignia on that ugly sweater is the portal to your tortured soul. Kittens should stick to high-fiving passing bicyclists on YouTube.

A few other crucial items to avoid picking up at the thrift store are fine china, Rob Schneider’s movie “The Animal” on Blu-ray, headlamps and cutlery. You should also try not to buy any fake beards, tie-dye shirts, green bandanas, or copies of the seventh season of “Home Improvement” on DVD. I would take measures to evade any porcelain dolls that may turn your life into “Paranormal Activity: Haunting on the Palouse.”

Next time you travel to your local thrift shop, make sure not to purchase any item that is meant to be repurposed by the buyer. If that windbreaker is shredded to bits, what makes you think it would be a good blanket for your three year old? No, I don’t want to use that expired lettuce as kindling next time I go camping; I’ll grab that wooden oar in case we find a raft, though.

Do not, under any circumstances, obtain anything at a thrift store that is labeled “DIY.” If I wanted to do it myself, I would build a canoe with my bare hands and make my own whiskey like Ron Swanson. Don’t let the secondhand store trick you into thinking you stumbled into an IKEA and are about to acquire a bench you will never build.

When you go to your favorite thrift shop, try not to pick up any earbuds, earmuffs, earrings, or any other item with the word “ear” in its name. You will thank me later when your ears remain unsullied, and I will probably be confused by the weird conversation starter because I forgot that I wrote this.

Last but not least, the most critical item you should be sure to avoid purchasing at all costs at the thrift store is denim. Denim is the memory foam mattress equivalent to articles of clothing, clinging to the bouquet of whatever cave it has emerged from and slapping you in the face like a runaway bride. If the previous owner of those jeans smoked, you better prepare to be roommates with Joe Camel and The Marlboro Man.

Chris Arneson is a senior sports management major from Bothell. He can be contacted at [email protected].