Satire: intro into sports ball for non-sports ballers

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Satire: intro into sports ball for non-sports ballers

People spend lots of money and multiple hours watching people play with these balls and oversized fly-swatter.

People spend lots of money and multiple hours watching people play with these balls and oversized fly-swatter.

COURTESY OF U.S. AIR FORCE

People spend lots of money and multiple hours watching people play with these balls and oversized fly-swatter.

COURTESY OF U.S. AIR FORCE

COURTESY OF U.S. AIR FORCE

People spend lots of money and multiple hours watching people play with these balls and oversized fly-swatter.

JAYCE CARRAL, Evergreen columnist

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The world of sports ball is incredibly confusing and long-winded because of the number of rules, players and a whole bunch of other nonsense. The basic rule of sports is to mimic the words and actions of those around. Break a leg, and go sports!

The Soccer

Soccer is a sport popular in several countries, most of which do not call it soccer. It is played with a black and white ball on a grassy field and primarily with feet. However, heads, knees and shins are also used. Kicking the ball is the goal — or more precisely, into the goal. However, the only thing that matters about this sport is the U.S. Women’s soccer team is wonderfully gay, and Megan Rapinoe is the second coming for the LGBTQ+ community.

The Swimming

This sport is played in the water. Winning this sport involves pretending to be a mermaid and not drowning.

The Tennis

This sport is played with an oversized flyswatter. It is played on a court separated in half by a large net. The ball used is like a ball that large dogs are often seen chewing. Serena Williams is the champion of this game, and to any man who believes they might score a point against her: stop.

The Baseball

This sport is played by swinging bats at fast-moving balls. This sport is incredibly long and made bearable only by the fact it will inevitably end.

The Golf

Do not confuse this sport with gulf — that’s water. This sport is played with a large stick and small balls. This sport has one main objective, which is to get the ball into the ground hole with the fewest amount of strokes possible. When the objective is met, do not cheer, do not clap, simply stare and contemplate the life choices that led to this situation.

The Volleyball

This sport is played by hitting a wanna-be soccer ball over a net. This sport is an overhyped version of “Hot Potato: Sports Ball Edition.”

The Basketball

This sport involves players with an unnecessary abundance of height and hands larger than the average person’s personal life goals. Points are scored by getting the ball into a net hanging in the air.

The Football

Contrary to its name, this sport is not often played with “the foot.” There are several players in this sport, all of whom are very large and very imposing figures. These large players run at other large players from the opposing team and proceed to violently hug each other. This occurs even as players are concussed, and they are “highly encouraged” to continue until they are all but immobile. During this, a brown ball is thrown and caught. When a goal is achieved, players dance and smack each other’s nether regions in celebration. When a game is won by slightly deflating balls, players receive national recognition and bear no long-term consequences for their actions.

The Track and the Field

This sport is played with restricted running. This sport is modeled after the historic Greek games, however the Greeks competed naked.

The Crossing of the Country

This sport is played by running away from your problems … very far away.