SATIRE: Secret sex cult on campus proves vanilla af

Underground dungeon honestly more useful for stuff like homework, hanging out than handies

Although+you+might+expect+%E2%80%9850+Shades+of+Grey%E2%80%99+level+fun%2C+you%E2%80%99ll+find+it+surprisingly+normal.
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SATIRE: Secret sex cult on campus proves vanilla af

Although you might expect ‘50 Shades of Grey’ level fun, you’ll find it surprisingly normal.

Although you might expect ‘50 Shades of Grey’ level fun, you’ll find it surprisingly normal.

AYA STEWART

Although you might expect ‘50 Shades of Grey’ level fun, you’ll find it surprisingly normal.

AYA STEWART

AYA STEWART

Although you might expect ‘50 Shades of Grey’ level fun, you’ll find it surprisingly normal.

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

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WSU’s secret sex cult has been revealed after years of speculation and students are disappointed.

The sex cult that meets 7 p.m. every Tuesday night in the secret bunker underneath Murrow Hall, accessible by a hidden trapdoor in the men’s bathroom, has been one of WSU’s best kept secrets since the school was founded.

The cult was always rumored to exist, but many students believed it was a myth as fewer and fewer students claimed to join. Then, sophomore Luke Breyers discovered proof.

“In retrospect, I probably should’ve called the police,” Breyers said. “But, like, I thought I was gonna see some weird sh-t.”

Breyers stumbled upon the cult a week ago while he was using the bathroom, after seeing a strange figure slip through the secret trap door under the sink.

Breyers said the hidden trapdoor reveals a dark, narrow stairway that leads down to a steel door with a small window. Knock on the door and a man will ask you for the secret password, which is only to be repeated between dedicated members. The secret password is: Cougar Gold.

According to Breyers though, the cult might not be worth the trouble.

“It’s super vanilla,” Breyers said. “My high school sex-ed class was freakier.”

Breyers said that the meeting started off with icebreakers. The members were split into groups of three and forced to play two truths and a lie.

After everyone was introduced to each other, the president pulled out a whiteboard and asked the members for meeting ideas and “what direction you’d like to see the cult go this year.”

Breyers supposedly listed multiple ethically and religiously questionable activities that The Daily Evergreen chose not to print, to spare readers trauma.

All ideas were rejected immediately, accompanied by disgusted gasps and one member fainting.

Breyers was kicked out 20 minutes in, when the members realized they didn’t recognize him. However, by the rejection of his ideas, Breyers is certain the cult is “vanilla bullsh-t.”

“They’re still stuck in the 1890s,” Breyers said. “It’s stupid. The sex probably sucks anyway.”

Eddie Carvel however, a former attendee, called the cult’s “kink deficiency” it’s appeal.

“At first it’s boring and terrible because you’re expecting the ‘50 Shades’ experience,” Carvel said. “And if you keep going it still is, but you also realize it’s a pretty chill place to get homework help, hang out, and sometimes get an unspectacular handy.”

Carvel said that sex cults cater to all sorts of different people, and WSU’s just happens to be on the cleaner side.

“Sex cults are like ice cream,” Carvel said. “There’s a different flavor for everybody. Unless you hate ice cream or sex.”

Breyers has no plans to return, saying his Tuesday nights would be more exciting alone.

Other members refused to comment, claiming the secret sex cult should be a secret and that nobody would believe that it exists anyway.