Cougar basketball season explained using Will Ferrell quotes

CHRIS ARNESON | Evergreen columnist

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What better way to complete a mid-season WSU men’s basketball progress report than by using movie quotes from one of the most popular comedic actors of our generation, Will Ferrell?

“I am still alive but very burnt.” — Mustafa (Austin Powers).

The Cougars narrowly escaped Montana State and Central Washington in their first two regular season games, teams they should have rolled over. Although early season non-conference games may be seen as tune ups for many, Central is a Division II program and the Cougs played MSU in Pullman.

“Hansel … so hot right now.” — Mugatu (Zoolander).

Next, Washington State’s season moved south to the Virgin Islands, where the weather was warm, to take part in the Paradise Jam Tournament. It was a rollercoaster ride for the Cougs as they were crushed by a Creighton team currently ranked No. 16, cruised past an inferior Montana squad, and then fell to the little known Loyola (Chicago) Ramblers.

“Blue, how come there’s no ice in my lemonade?” — Frank the Tank (Old School).

Wazzu would go on to split a pair of home games against San Jose State and Utah Valley, two imminently beatable teams. Any successful program knows they have to protect their home court against lesser teams such as these, but accepted a .500 winning percentage. The Cougs should have won both these games, just like there should always be ice in lemonade.

“I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.” — Buddy (Elf).

WSU went on to split two more home games to the University of New Orleans and cross state rival Idaho. New Orleans is currently in first place in the Southland conference, but I challenge you to name one other team in the Southland conference. This New Orleans loss may be as frustrating to a WSU fan as it would be to find cookies smashed in your VCR.

“Bark twice if you’re in Milwaukee.” — Ron Burgundy (Anchorman).

This “neutral” matchup against the Kansas State Wildcats was not quite in Milwaukee but Kansas City, the same time zone at least. Unless there is a dormant swath of WSU alumni living in Kansas City, this was still a home game for the Wildcats and they crushed the Cougs.

“If you ain’t first, you’re last.” — Ricky Bobby (Talladega Nights).

Washington State lived by this mantra, protecting Friel Court against Santa Clara and Sacramento State. The Cougs narrowly escaped against Santa Clara, thanks to a clutch block by senior guard Charles Callison, akin to driving with a live tiger in the backseat.

“It gets the people going!” —Chazz Michael Michaels (Blades of Glory).

The Cougars opened the Pac-12 slate with a bang, going on the road to Hec Ed and knocking off the favored rival Huskies. Senior forward Josh Hawkinson carried the load with 26 points and freshman guard Malachi Flynn came up big down the stretch as WSU earned a signature road win.

“It’s just like the Titanic, but it’s full of bears!” — Jackie Moon (Semi-Pro).

WSU would split a pair of road games in Oregon, defeating the Beavers and falling to the Ducks who are currently ranked No. 10. It is hard to gather much from these to matchups, as Oregon State is still looking for their first Pac-12 win and Oregon has yet to lose a conference game.

“I was watching Cops.” —Brennan Huff (Step Brothers).

Cougar fans wish they would have been watching this popular reality television show instead of their beloved squad play in the Bay Area, as they fell to Stanford and Cal.

“9:15, let’s have a great day everybody!” — Allen Gamble (The Other Guys).

After getting blown out in an embarrassing performance against the Utah Utes, the Cougs bounced back in a big way against Colorado on Saturday. With the approval of the coaching staff, Charles Callison played like a Peacock against the Buffalos.

Chris Arneson is a senior sports management major from Bothell. He can be contacted at 335-2290 or by [email protected]