SATIRE: How to stay safe during Halloween

EMMA LEDBETTER, Evergreen reporter

Following a safety report predicting unexpectedly high crime rates this month, a campus group released a list of recommended ways for students to stay safe around Halloween. 

The list, released via Twitter Monday, caused an uproar within the student population. Since then, the list has reportedly been taken down due to numerous threatening replies. 

Ima Buzkil, sophomore chemical engineering major and president of Students Against Drugs (and Fun), said she shared the list from the SAD(AF) Twitter page following a SAD(AF) meeting Friday evening. Buzkil said the club had been planning to create the list at their October meeting for over two months. 

“I just don’t understand why people reacted so negatively to it,” Buzkil said. “If I knew people were going to be so mean about it, I would’ve done something else fun with my Friday night. I missed my knitting circle to make this list because I thought it would help people!”

Buzkil said the list was up on Twitter for about two hours before she noticed commenters were getting unruly, and she decided to take down the post. 

“Some of the things people were saying were starting to scare me,” Buzkil said. “Someone said he was going to come to my residence hall and plant drugs in my room so I would get kicked off SAD(AF) council. I wasn’t about to let that happen.”

J.J. Erk, senior kinesiology major and public relations officer of Beta Alpha Delta, tweeted on his personal account that he was the one who threatened to put drugs in Buzkil’s room. Erk’s post has received over 5,000 likes since he posted it Tuesday. 

“I don’t know how many people actually read through that list, but it was a load of hooey,” Erk said. “You can’t just tell college students not to party during Halloweek and not expect retaliation.”

Though the list was deleted, Erk said he took screenshots of the 30-page document in the event a situation like this occurred. 

“There’s literally no way the university can punish me for threatening [Buzkil] after I show them what’s on this list,” Erk said. 

SAD(AF)’s recommendations included staying inside every day during Halloweek and avoiding candy and alcohol “at all costs, even if it means trashing those Snickers and pouring that bottle of hooch down the drain.” 

“I don’t think it’s that unreasonable,” Buzkil said. “I’ve heard of people putting razor blades in candy, and that is most definitely not safe. And alcohol is just plain icky.”

SAD(AF) also recommended students avoid looking out any windows during the week to prevent them from seeing “any act of disobedience so heinous as to need an eyewash for the disgrace.”

“If I really wanted to mess with [Buzkil], I wouldn’t put drugs in her room, I’d just spit on the ground or something else stupid,” Erk said. “That would really get her.”

University officials have declined to comment on the high crime rates, recommendations or subsequent threats. 

“It’s not like anyone else was doing anything to protect students,” Buzkil said. “They didn’t have to be so ungrateful about it.”

Erk said he doesn’t expect the university to interfere with his fun this Halloweek. 

“They haven’t tried to stop me for the last three years, so why would they start now?” Erk said. 

Buzkil said she is frustrated with students’ lack of concern over the high crime rates this month and the reaction she received. 

“People don’t realize how much their negligent behavior could affect their future,” Buzkil said. “I accidentally drank out of my mom’s wine glass once because I thought it was my cranberry juice and I haven’t been the same since. I had to wash my mouth out with soap.”