SATIRE: Interviewing a husky before Apple Cup

Why are these snow dogs so terrible? The Daily Evergreen went to find the root of this mystery

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MARTHA JAENICKE | DAILY EVERGREEN ILLUSTRATION

New husky owner Ursula Williams gave The Daily Evergreen a chance to talk to her dog, Yeti, and ask him a few questions about why huskies, despite being associated with colder climates, aren’t cool at all.

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

Dog enthusiast and husky owner Ursula Williams is expressing regret about owning a husky, and now calls it the “worst decision of her life.”

“It’s not fun,” Williams said. “I hate huskies now, and Yeti’s awful.”

Williams said she was given Yeti, her husky, as a present upon graduating high school. At first she was ecstatic to receive him, but reported that it took “like three seconds” to regret her decision. And her regret only grows by day.

“I’ve made a lot of bad decisions,” Williams said. “But Yeti made me realize I’m a cat person. And I hate cats.”

Besides the fact that huskies are generally terrible, Williams said, Yeti exhibits behavior she has described as “insufferable” and “impossible to live with” on a daily basis.

Williams said Yeti has an odd attraction toward off-brand products. Supposedly huskies prefer off-brand food, off-brand dog toys and off-brand water.

“It’s like Yeti just prefers the objectively worse version of a good thing,” Williams said. “And all my friends who have huskies say the same thing.”

Williams also said that Yeti and her neighbor’s huskies “throw the vibe off” the entire neighborhood.

“My friends don’t like coming here anymore,” Williams said. “‘The neighborhood is nice,’ they say, ‘but I don’t know how you can live with these huskies.’”

Williams gave The Daily Evergreen a chance to talk to Yeti as well, and ask him a few questions about why huskies, despite being associated with colder climates, aren’t cool at all.

The following information is roughly translated, as I took a class in high school on dog whispering and would’ve passed if Ms. Balto was actually good at her job and rounded up my grade. Be warned that much of the information was taken using context clues and an online translator.

It is, however, all completely accurate.

First I asked Yeti about a 2017 survey conducted by Princeton University that found huskies to be, objectively and scientifically, the worst.

“The science we conducted came to a conclusion,” wrote professor of Princeton Studies Winston Princeton in the paper, “which was that huskies suck, and nobody likes them.”

Yeti, oddly enough, barked in agreement upon hearing this.

Yeti barked that every year huskies meet in a different location to further hunt an endangered species for “bark,” loosely translated to “the fun of it,” as Yeti puts it.

“Bark,” Yeti said. “Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark woof.”

Upon asking what reason huskies had for starting the 2008 housing crisis, Yeti replied by heavily panting. Then I asked if huskies knew about the devastating consequences the crisis had on millions of American jobs, houses and lives and how ramifications are still present in the economy today. Yeti wagged his tail in agreement and possible joy at the thought.

Yeti also mentioned that huskies are responsible for climate change.

“Honestly,” Williams said, “I’m not sure if I hate huskies more for sucking or myself more for living with it.”

Williams, however, still plans to keep Yeti for three more years at least, despite how terrible, awful, stupid, dumb and smelly huskies are.