“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” is the first line of an old dead Russian’s book, but he could have been writing about the American holiday season.

Despite the bountiful feasts, cheery songs and comforts of home, many people loathe this time of the year because they have to deal with people with whom they would never willingly associate: the relatives.

Since mom and dad are often the keepers of the family treasure that you require to continue your

 fabulous lifestyle in Pullman, they are bearable. But enduring weird little cousins with grubby hands and never-ending questions, that aunt with a cackling laugh that could curdle yogurt, the brother-in-law who believes everyone with unattached earlobes shouldn’t be, and that fog-addled, moss-choked, mustard-yellow-and-Barney-purple-loving second cousin from The School That Must Not Be Named will require some advanced coping methods.

Now, you could just curl up in a cocoon of booze and Facebook and wait for the swarm to dissipate, but that’s the coward’s choice. Better to wade into this seething horde of relatives and discover the hidden treasures of family.

For instance, you can try to mold your younger cousins into more pleasant children who will fetch you stuff and bark at your enemies. Once they realize that whoever brings a beer back the fastest wins a whole bag of M&Ms, you’ll never have to stand up again. But beware: if your child-servant scam is uncovered by certain fun-hating parents, you might need to pretend that you were just demonstrating a lesson from your economics class.

Consider uncovering the traditions, legends and secrets of your family by talking with one of those old people. They might be cranky, racist or have bristling nose hairs, but these people are time portals. Stay engaged in the conversation and you can dredge their muddy memories for nuggets, such as how to make an authentic Russian borscht, what your uncle looked like before he had a mustache, or how great the Great Depression really was.

If your family does not have great holiday traditions, then it’s time to start one. Board games are a viable option if you want to establish some new feuds for the family. Focus on the vindictive games that encourage rate-hiking and end-game betrayals, and you will be sure to leave lasting emotional scars.

Deploy some conversational jujitsu and ask your relatives about their college years. They probably enjoy talking about themselves anyway, and you might learn about some really experimental theater your uncle did or why your grandma has a weird pin with a goat on it.

However, if that dork from the purple puppy-mill of education speaks ill of your wheat-enriched fortress of learning, feel free to let slip the cousins of chaos.