Ranking the ‘Twilight’ movies

My commentary can't compare to Robert Pattinson's where "Twilight" is concerned, but I can sure try



No movie series has come close to the level of influence "Twilight" has.

MINDY MALONE, Evergreen columnist

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow so I think it’s only fair we address the greatest love story of our generation: “Twilight.”

I love these movies. I watch them regularly and I unironically refer to them as cinematic masterpieces. These movies really had a girl from my middle school telling everyone she was a vampire, then she convinced her parents to move to Forks, WA and we never saw her again … iconic.

But I think it’s time we discuss which movie was truly the best — based on love elements, soundtrack and Taylor Lautner’s hair length.

No. 5: “Breaking Dawn Part I” I understand the appeal of splitting the final part of a popular series into two movies, but “Twilight” really shouldn’t have done that. “Breaking Dawn Part I” barely has a plot. I can’t imagine what people went through, waiting in anticipation just to sit down in an overpriced movie theater and see this.

The wedding scene was dreamy — I’ll give them that. I saved photos of the hanging flowers to my “wedding inspo” Pinterest board after the movie came out, but that’s not enough to redeem it. I watch this movie on 1.5 times speed so I don’t have to suffer through how underwhelming it is.

No. 4: “Breaking Dawn Part II” You might be getting the feeling that I’m unhappy with all of “Breaking Dawn” and you know what? You’re right.

The action scene and the twist at the end make this movie memorable, but everything before that is awful. Bella’s new vampire training was boring, and I’m still not over Stephenie Meyer making a fully-grown adult fall in love with a baby.

I truly think Meyer got drunk and wrote the whole, awful thing in one night.

No. 3: “New Moon” Let me preface this by saying I wanted this in the No. 1 spot, but the first three movies are equally good so it’s hard to rank them fairly.

“New Moon” was dramatic for no reason and that’s what makes it so good. Edward decides to ghost Bella for her own safety but doesn’t stop to consider she might go on a complete bender — which she does.

The movie becomes a modern adaptation of “Romeo and Juliet,” as Edward, who thinks Bella is dead because he’s never heard of cliff jumping, tries to get himself killed, and Bella has to fly to Italy to save him.

This beautiful, twisted plot is set against what is possibly the best soundtrack to any movie ever.

No. 2: “Twilight” I’ve got a soft spot for the movie that started it all. It’s cheesy and full of bad acting and that’s all a film needs to find a place in my heart.

Looking back, this movie is painfully green, but it sells the whole sad and depressing 200-days-of-rain-a-year vibe. I grew up in the wet, sad part of Washington, so everything about “Twilight” feels cozy to me. And the “Supermassive Black Hole” baseball scene? Chef’s kiss.

No. 1: “Eclipse” The movies peaked with this. The opening scene of Bella and Edward in the field of flowers reading a Robert Frost poem is the “Breaking Dawn Part I” wedding scene times 10.

It’s worth noting that Taylor Lautner has short hair for the whole movie. I never did the whole “Team Edward/Team Jacob” thing, but if I were picking for myself I would be Team Jacob all the way.

The Jacob-Edward-Bella scene in the mountains is the climax of the “Twilight” saga. Jacob holds Bella to keep her from freezing to death in the cold, and the next morning they kiss and we think for a second they might actually fall in love. I’m not exaggerating when I say I cry every time.

If you don’t have plans this Valentine’s Day — either because you’re single or your significant other lives across the country like mine — there’s nothing wrong with giving in to your preteen self and binge-watching these movies. I suggest you don’t put them on to Netflix and chill, though. You’ll be too distracted to get anywhere.