Marginalized groups in America have a long history of policing others. Women, people of color, members of the LGBTQ community, etc., all participating in the dance of dominance. Whenever you hear a woman say, “oh, I’m not that kind of girl,” or a black person say, “I’m not that dark,” it’s all in an effort to separate themselves from those they perceive to be holding them back from joining the privileged elite.

A practice based in the illusion that it is the marginalized holding us back, and not those in power. A practice that only serves to strengthen the position that the privileged have in our culture. A practice that, with the development of self-love, can hopefully come to an end.

The gay male community has a long history of this form of internalized hatred, building a hierarchy that sets masculine, or “straight acting,” fit, white men at the top and positions all others below them. Many gay men believe that the reason they experience homophobia is because there are some gay men ruining it for all of them. “Ruining it,” can be anything from a swish of the hips, to a syllable spoken with that distinct lisp, to dressing in clothes traditionally reserved for the female sex.

Another way in which gay men often discriminate against each other is based on HIV status. In the 1980s, the AIDS epidemic was in full swing, forever changing the lives of many gay, bi and queer men in America.

From the very beginning, AIDS, or Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, was known as the “Gay Disease” or “Gay Cancer,” with its first reported cases being mostly men of a sexual minority. A large amount of fear hit the gay community. So little information was known, and with so many deaths and so much shame hanging in the air, many gay men began to think that this mysterious ailment was the punishment of the government or God.

Though evidence was quickly found disproving a connection between sexual orientation and AIDS, the media continued to misinform the public, thus further establishing a culture of fear and homophobia. In a society more invested in stigmatizing sex than in educating people about sex, it has been all too easy to pair a fear of sexually transmitted diseases with a fear of gay men.

According to the CDC there were well over 10,000 cases of men who have sex with men who had AIDS. The same time frame in history held many positive strides for the gay community. The gay community began to organize and fight for civil rights with more vigor than ever before. The same people who lived through this scary time are the ones who fought for many of the rights that we enjoy today.

Throughout western history there has been an undeniable connection between sex and shame. This connection is particularly strong in sexual minority communities. General society has made it abundantly clear to the LGBTQ community that our love is other and our sex is wrong. We have experienced the full frontal horrors of physical and verbal abuse. But what part do we play in the shaming? What words do gay men use that can be just as damaging?

The growth of social media and dating apps has allowed the gay community to come closer than ever before. The small-town boy in the middle of North Carolina now has a way to reach the city-wise Seattle boy. Stories can be shared. Meet-ups can be planned. And hook-up culture is blossoming quite nicely.

But, there are some negative side effects, one of which is a distinct form of discrimination that occurs amongst gay men on dating apps, and even sometimes face-to-face. Phrases like “no blacks,” “no femmes,” “whites only,” “must be fit,” and “must be clean.” All of these phrases just serve to protect the heteronormative, attractive and white members of the gay community while handing the burden of shame off on all others.

It’s the term “clean” that pertains to the discussion of AIDS. The term is used to describe those who are HIV-positive, and exclude them from one’s dating pool. “I don’t mind people who are simply disclosing their status and want to know mine,” said HIV activist Mark S. King. “But ‘clean’? There are ways to get this information without making me feel like one of the great unwashed.”

As a community we have to try our very hardest to destigmatize our sex. Though our modern world has seen a significant reduction in the number of people living with AIDS, it is still a very real danger, and there are gay men who are HIV-positive. Many of these same gay men who are using words like clean to punish HIV-positive people for their status have done very little to educate themselves about AIDS prevention and protective measures.

The CDC reports that 44 percent of all people who are HIV-positive don’t know it. And I get it; AIDS is scary. But we cannot allow our fear of a disease to roll over to those with the disease. We cannot allow our fear to affect the way we treat people. And as gay men we should know better. We have felt the sting of words.

Personally, I am just beginning to take my first tentative steps into the sex world. I lived in a cocoon of that aforementioned gay shame and that held me back from much-needed self-exploration. I remember when I first mentioned that I was going to start trying to “hook-up” more, a friend warned me to beware of men with AIDS, as though they were out to get me. As though those with HIV are bent on tricking me.

We in the gay list have an extravagant amount to put on our to-do list: be less misogynistic, be less racist, fight for transgender rights, expel the effects of internalized homophobia and educate ourselves about sex-related dangers. The to-do list is much larger than this. Gay-on-gay shaming only benefits those who are already in a position to benefit. Apathy and ignorance can no longer be tolerated.