Lovers beware: the danger of attachment

Few can deny relationships are great. Who doesn’t want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend to spend lazy days with, and go out for coffee and watch Netflix?

However, once the famed honeymoon phase is over with, couples can find themselves in one of several places.

For those lucky few, once a new relationship has transitioned into a seasoned one, the couple can weather the fights of their relationship with little trouble.

The communication they need has been established, and disagreements and misunderstandings can be handled with ease. These couples are usually more capable of withstanding the test of time.

Then there are the couples that dissolve into disarray. As the relationship progresses past the point of cute dates and small talk and begins to get more serious, the couple may come to realize they really don’t have that much to talk about, they have little in common. Or worse, they have poor communication. Without communication couples cannot identify problems or fix them.

Through a research project in my psychology class, I learned about a form of anxiety often found in romantic relationship, called attachment anxiety.

According to the article “How needing you changes me: The influence of attachment anxiety on self-concept malleability in romantic relationships” in the journal “Self and Identity,” different people experience different levels of malleability in relationships. In this article, the authors claim that, through your time in a relationship, both parties involved begin to take on characteristics and habits of their partner. These changes can vary from changes in habits to changes in personality or speech.

The article explains how these changes in self-concept in a romantic relationship are usually tied to a beneficial outcome, such as increased feelings of closeness, satisfaction and being “in love.”

To recap, as couples spend more time together, they will shape their personalities to be more in-line with their partner in order to increase closeness and commonalities.

This is all normal and great – you are expected to change to be closer to your partner.

We all do it when we spend a lot of time with someone, even a close friend or co-worker.

However, issues begin to arise when a person gets their partner so entwined in their life that they don’t know how to live without them.

We all have that romantic notion that we can’t possibly live without our significant other. But for anyone suffering from attachment anxiety, these feelings are much stronger. They can be detrimental to the relationship and even end it.

I am able to speak from experience on this issue, as after reading this article, I realized I dealt with attachment anxiety in my past relationship.

I craved closeness with my boyfriend to the point of pushing him away; the typical clingy girlfriend. And that’s all fine and dandy when the other half of the relationship wants the same level of closeness as you.

But, as the article points out, the partner experiencing attachment anxiety will usually want higher levels of closeness than the other partner. This will inevitably lead to the smothering of the partner.

This relationship already sounds difficult for both partners, since one desperately wants attention and the other is smothered as a result. The pains of attachment anxiety do not stop there.

The article goes on to say individuals will continue to try and “maintain their attachment bond with their romantic partner at all costs, even when the relationship is dissatisfying.”

This is so sad to learn, because this is exactly what I did. I’ve even experienced this phenomenon from the other side in past friendships. Even though the relationship isn’t going well, you hang on to it and strive to be closer, even when you are getting hurt in the process.

There isn’t much you can do immediately about attachment anxiety. According to the article, many people who suffer from attachment anxiety also suffer from other types of anxiety.

Many forms of anxiety or depression can be helped with counseling, or just venting to friends or family. However, just talking about these issues can only go so far.

Take action if you hope to improve a relationship plagued with attachment anxiety, but don’t act hastily. Vent to friends about it. Talk to your partner about it.

If your situation is at all like mine, you will need to find the will to end the relationship, for both of your sakes.

But if you have the recognition that you’re dealing with attachment anxiety, then a conversation with your partner might help them understand why you act clingy or never seem satisfied, and you can come to an understanding.

What I want to stress the most is, if you think you’re experiencing attachment anxiety, then take some time to research what that means, and think about it some.

Once you have an understanding of what your feelings are, then you can take the next step.

But don’t do anything hastily. Take a breath first.