Satire – The Daily Evergreen

SATIRE: Pencil theft will lead to violent communist revolution

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

October 16, 2019

We all respect the things we own and most of us try to respect what other people own, but what do you do when people don’t? Across all schools, there has been a consistent problem where not only will people steal pencils, but the victims will be belittled and shamed for handling the theft of their...

SATIRE: New runway distracts from government conspiracy

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist

October 16, 2019

Since the Pullman-Moscow Airport reopened Thursday after a month of renovations, the improvements have seemed straightforward. The longer runway can accommodate larger aircraft and opens the door for further upgrades in the future. However, The Daily Evergreen received public records Tuesday linki...

SATIRE: Frat murder rates skyrocket during spooky season

PAUL MEDRUD, Evergreen columnist

October 9, 2019

This Halloween season, with all the horror-filled celebrations going on, be aware of your potential demise. Reports show frat members have been arrested for a large number of homicides this fall. It won’t be scary movies or haunted houses that will scare you to your core: it’ll be the lurking...

SATIRE: Rent-a-rower goes rogue, gets raunchy

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

October 9, 2019

Rent-a-Rower at WSU is in the process of putting down stricter guidelines what rowers can and cannot be hired for. The Rent-a-Rower program allows people to hire members of WSU’s Cougar Crew team to do manual work for $15 per hour per rower. The program helps the rowing team fund itself. After...

SATIRE: Introducing RICH, the newest accessible mental health program

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist

October 9, 2019

WSU announced the arrival of a new program with the goal of enriching campus morale and improving students’ mental and physical health. The program, called Reviving Intellect, Comfort and Health (RICH) will launch in 2020, program director Marshall St. Ewen III said. “RICH will function a bit...

SATIRE: Now 20-year-old Pokemon celebrity literally can’t

ROOS HELGESEN, Evergreen columnist

October 2, 2019

Ash Ketchum, after twenty long years of working as a Pokemon trainer, has finally fulfilled his dream of becoming a Pokemon master. As it turns out, being a Pokemon Master is not all it is cracked up to be. “All it is is busy-work. Day in and day out constantly fighting punk-ass kids, trying...

SATIRE: Secret sex cult on campus proves vanilla af

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

October 2, 2019

WSU’s secret sex cult has been revealed after years of speculation and students are disappointed. The sex cult that meets 7 p.m. every Tuesday night in the secret bunker underneath Murrow Hall, accessible by a hidden trapdoor in the men’s bathroom, has been one of WSU’s best kept secrets since...

SATIRE: Local rappers battle it out at Walmart parking lot

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

September 25, 2019

Pullman’s two biggest hip-hop acts clashed last weekend in a rap battle for the ages. The two rappers, Lil Jiffy and Real Realness, brought their years-long rivalry to a head Saturday in the Walmart parking lot, letting the crowd of shoppers decide, once and for all, who Pullman’s premier rap...

Gambler’s Guide: The Other Sports

CODY SCHOELER, Evergreen Columnist

September 20, 2019

Last week, readers of Gambler’s Guide made millions of dollars in profit. (Disclaimer: there is no actual evidence to back up this claim it is purely speculation and most likely not even true. Just go with it.) That is the easy part, call it beginner’s luck. The difficult part comes when you have...

SATIRE: Anarchy Club undergoes punk revolution

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

September 18, 2019

Anarchy Club, WSU’s premier organization for anarchists to meet and discuss, is finally up and running again, this time with a new goal: to bring punk back to WSU. “I’m excited,” President Gordon Day said. “Finally, somebody will run this club right.” With the revival, Day promises...

SATIRE: WSU Athletics sparks religious fervor on campus

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist

September 18, 2019

Religion has made a significant comeback at WSU due to one burgeoning group, despite a downward national trend. The increase started when WSU Athletics released its plan to "advanc[e] the future of Cougar Athletics," a set of goals called UNLEASH. "Though religion has no strict definition, and espe...

SATIRE: Nothing lit going on tonight, frat members report

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen reporter

September 18, 2019

Over the years WSU has garnered a reputation for being a “party school”, one that has both drawn and driven people away from the college. But is that reputation really deserved? In fact, do WSU students even like to party? “Yeah, it’s usually pretty quiet,” said Alpha Beta Alpha member...