The Daily Evergreen

OPINION: Satire: Protect our billionaires from coronavirus

Celebrities, as the smartest and brightest of our society, need all the help we can give them.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor

May 27, 2020

As Jeff Bezos crosses that holy border from billionaire to trillionaire, hundreds of thousands of Americans are out of work. As Chrissy Teigen complains about artisan cookware, laid-off workers are wondering where their next meal will come from. As Nancy Pelosi greasily shuffles hedge funds around, small...

OPINION: Satire: Protestors, politicians respond to COVID-19

Protestors and politicians alike are both, in their own way, reacting poorly to this pandemic.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor

May 20, 2020

As states continue to deal with the coronavirus pandemic, tensions around the country flare as people demand the reopening of businesses and services. Protesters in Michigan, Washington and other hard-hit states see this as an infringement of their constitutional rights, while harried government officials...

OPINION: Satire: Dogs and cats react to the quarantine

Dogs and cats have responded very differently to the coronavirus quarantine.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor

May 13, 2020

While many have studied and acknowledged the impact of the quarantine on the economy, local business and healthcare workers, few have examined the effect the lockdown has had on our furry animal companions. Dogs and cats, man’s best friend and man’s casual roommate (respectively), have been hit just...

SATIRE: The dead walk

COVID-19 totally isn't the start of the zombie apocalypse we hope ...

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist

March 9, 2020

Does the recent coronavirus outbreak have anything to do with the mysterious surge of violent crimes in the Whitman County area that some claim is the result of a “zombie infection”? No, is the resounding answer from the state’s health officials. “There’s no such thing as a zombie ou...

SATIRE: You don’t know real music

All ye who enter here, bring forth your music tastes to the Oracle and face the judgment of truth!

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist

February 20, 2020

A recent discovery at WSU may change the fate of music forever. Deep in the bowels of the Kimbrough Music Building, tucked away in a secret practice room, music minor Harold Hyscoming found a being who claims to be the Oracle of Real Music. The Evergreen decided to investigate, following the Ora...

SATIRE: Students scrape last cash for V-Day

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist

February 13, 2020

Love is in the air at WSU as students plan their celebration of Valentine’s Day this Friday. Sophomore Han Grie said he’s been planning his Valentine’s Day for months. He worked three jobs over the summer so he could afford the highest-level RDA, and said he’s carefully budgeted his meal...

OPINION: SATIRE: Give other groups the Bachelor

OPINION: SATIRE: Give other groups the Bachelor

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist

February 10, 2020

Everyone’s familiar with ABC’s “The Bachelor,” a hot mess of spray tans and off-brand Ryan Seacrest impersonators. Women, it seems, enter a semi-rabid state of mind at the sight of a chiseled jawline on a guy that looks like Flannel-Wearing Extra #1 from a Luke Combs music video. What h...

SATIRE: Stop nickel-and- diming me, WSU

Why are the small fees the most annoying ones? It is almost as if WSU is trying to get every last penny they can out of every single student.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist

February 7, 2020

When you’re considering college costs, it’s important to remember that tuition, housing and books don’t necessarily cover everything. There are costs that’ll nickel-and-dime you, sneaking little chunks out of your wallet until one day, you go to Venmo a girl 75 cents for a peck on the lips ...

SATIRE: Black History Month is a struggle

I used to play bingo with a black guy and we got along fine. I don’t get how anyone could call me racist.

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

February 6, 2020

As an old white man (obviously) I’ve lived through more Black History Months than most people have. I can say, as the old white man that I clearly am, that I’ve usually opted out of the occasion because I don’t know a lot of black history. My daughter challenged me to do it though, and so, f...

SATIRE: Yeehaw for cowboy poetry week

Cowpokes ride into Elko, Nev. with pistols and poems at the ready.

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

January 30, 2020 Cowboy poetry week started two days ago. Where’s all the celebration, WSU? Not a lot needs to be explained. We all know cowboy poetry week has been a staple of America since the old Western days of 1985, and we all know each year hundreds of cowpokes herd themse...

Satire: students leave school over coach change

Satire: students leave school over coach change

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist

January 16, 2020

With the announcement of Nick Rolovich as WSU football’s new head coach, the university has been buzzing with opinions about the upcoming change. WSU President Kirk Schulz took to the interwebs to voice his support for Rolovich as the new head coach and vouch for ongoing athletic endeavors. “We ...

SATIRE: Interviewing a husky before Apple Cup

New husky owner Ursula Williams gave The Daily Evergreen a chance to talk to her dog, Yeti, and ask him a few questions about why huskies, despite being associated with colder climates, aren’t cool at all.

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

November 20, 2019

Dog enthusiast and husky owner Ursula Williams is expressing regret about owning a husky, and now calls it the “worst decision of her life.” “It’s not fun,” Williams said. “I hate huskies now, and Yeti’s awful.” Williams said she was given Yeti, her husky, as a present upon graduating...

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