Satire – The Daily Evergreen

Satire: students leave school over coach change

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist

January 16, 2020

With the announcement of Nick Rolovich as WSU football’s new head coach, the university has been buzzing with opinions about the upcoming change. WSU President Kirk Schulz took to the interwebs to voice his support for Rolovich as the new head coach and vouch for ongoing athletic endeavors. “We ...

SATIRE: Interviewing a husky before Apple Cup

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

November 20, 2019

Dog enthusiast and husky owner Ursula Williams is expressing regret about owning a husky, and now calls it the “worst decision of her life.” “It’s not fun,” Williams said. “I hate huskies now, and Yeti’s awful.” Williams said she was given Yeti, her husky, as a present upon graduating...

SATIRE: Family arrival ruins Friendsgiving

ZACH GOFF, Evergreen columnist

November 20, 2019

Friendsgiving is, as the name implies, a time for you and your friends to come together and give thanks for everything you do for one another. It’s your turn to host, you have the table set with enough places for four of your closest friends to come over and have some sort of food other than the...

SATIRE: Chaos ensues when popcorn stand runs out of, you guessed it, popcorn

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist

November 20, 2019

Complaints have surfaced in the past few weeks surrounding Palouse Popcorn, a local restaurant opened in early September. According to several esteemed food critics, Palouse Popcorn suffers from a dismal menu and poor customer service as well as other problems. Among those at the forefront of the...

SATIRE: Rad Weekend outranks Dad’s Weekend in fun

PAUL MEDRUD, Evergreen columnist

November 14, 2019

This Dad’s Weekend is a day of celebration and competition with family for many students at WSU, but not everyone has the privilege of having their Dad be with them this weekend. With Thanksgiving so close, not many family members want to make the trek to Pullman when their student will...

SATIRE: Ghosts express boredom after no deaths on haunted premises

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

October 30, 2019

The Board House, the most haunted place on the Palouse, hasn’t had a death in nearly three years and its ghosts are disappointed. “It’s sad to see,” said Luigi Gauste, a ghost in the Board House since it was built. “I mean, I can’t see it because I’m dead, but I can kinda sense it.” For...

SATIRE: Student debt but make it sexy

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist

October 30, 2019

Of all the holidays, there are few better to show your adulthood and disappoint your parents than Halloween. And you can do that by getting drunk, partying too hard, or just existing, but what better way is there than just putting on a sexy costume? Nowadays, there are a lot of options for those who...

SATIRE: The Great Halloweed Scandal results in massive Mary J waste

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist

October 30, 2019

Self-proclaimed “stoner bro” Eric Connolly said he wanted to make one thing abundantly clear: he never meant for the Great Halloweed Scandal of 2019 to happen. It ended in every parent’s worst nightmare: kids across Pullman ended up with candy edibles mixed in with regular candy. But the event...

SATIRE: Stop stigmatizing grown adults that trick or treat

PAUL MEDRUD, Evergreen columnist

October 30, 2019

It's all fun and games until you aren't allowed to have fun anymore. That’s the feeling most college students have when their favorite elementary school traditions are suddenly stripped from them. “I just wanted to dress as a mummy. I didn’t do anything wrong,” said Vincent Dehores, Halloween...

SATIRE: Halloween obituaries from the weekend

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist

October 30, 2019

SKYLYR JONES, 19, entered the Great Skatepark in the Sky on Oct. 31, 2019. Skylyr was born April 20, 2000, to parents Brock and Ashton Jones. An only child, Skylyr spent much of her time with her parents learning to skate and smoke like a pro. “She could always rip the fattest clouds,” Ashton said. �...

SATIRE: Dumb coworkers should prepare for slap ambush

ZACH GOFF, Evergreen columnist

October 22, 2019

Today is the day you didn’t know you were waiting for — slap your annoying coworker day. Once per year, on Oct. 23, people everywhere get a free pass to assault their coworkers with all the pent-up anger they’ve saved for the past 364 days. Sabastian Striker, front desk assistant at the CUB,...

SATIRE: WSU recycle gangs engage in eco-friendly war

ROOS HELGESEN, Evergreen columnist

October 22, 2019

WSU has been embroiled in a vicious gang war between rival gangs, each trying to take out the other and take their territory. Currently the total number of recycled items comes out to almost 100,000. “How could these monsters do this?” asked engineering professor Robert Nubenhauser. “They...