OPINION: Satire: Protect our billionaires from coronavirus
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor
May 27, 2020
As Jeff Bezos crosses that holy border from billionaire to trillionaire, hundreds of thousands of Americans are out of work. As Chrissy Teigen complains about artisan cookware, laid-off workers are wondering where their next meal will come from. As Nancy Pelosi greasily shuffles hedge funds around, small...
OPINION: Satire: Protestors, politicians respond to COVID-19
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor
May 20, 2020
As states continue to deal with the coronavirus pandemic, tensions around the country flare as people demand the reopening of businesses and services. Protesters in Michigan, Washington and other hard-hit states see this as an infringement of their constitutional rights, while harried government officials...
OPINION: Satire: Dogs and cats react to the quarantine
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor
May 13, 2020
While many have studied and acknowledged the impact of the quarantine on the economy, local business and healthcare workers, few have examined the effect the lockdown has had on our furry animal companions. Dogs and cats, man’s best friend and man’s casual roommate (respectively), have been hit just...
SATIRE: The dead walk
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist
March 9, 2020
Does the recent coronavirus outbreak have anything to do with the mysterious surge of violent crimes in the Whitman County area that some claim is the result of a “zombie infection”? No, is the resounding answer from the state’s health officials. “There’s no such thing as a zombie ou...
SATIRE: You don’t know real music
ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist
February 20, 2020
A recent discovery at WSU may change the fate of music forever. Deep in the bowels of the Kimbrough Music Building, tucked away in a secret practice room, music minor Harold Hyscoming found a being who claims to be the Oracle of Real Music. The Evergreen decided to investigate, following the Ora...
SATIRE: Students scrape last cash for V-Day
ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist
February 13, 2020
Love is in the air at WSU as students plan their celebration of Valentine’s Day this Friday. Sophomore Han Grie said he’s been planning his Valentine’s Day for months. He worked three jobs over the summer so he could afford the highest-level RDA, and said he’s carefully budgeted his meal...
OPINION: SATIRE: Give other groups the Bachelor
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist
February 10, 2020
Everyone’s familiar with ABC’s “The Bachelor,” a hot mess of spray tans and off-brand Ryan Seacrest impersonators. Women, it seems, enter a semi-rabid state of mind at the sight of a chiseled jawline on a guy that looks like Flannel-Wearing Extra #1 from a Luke Combs music video. What h...
SATIRE: Stop nickel-and- diming me, WSU
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist
February 7, 2020
When you’re considering college costs, it’s important to remember that tuition, housing and books don’t necessarily cover everything. There are costs that’ll nickel-and-dime you, sneaking little chunks out of your wallet until one day, you go to Venmo a girl 75 cents for a peck on the lips ...
SATIRE: Black History Month is a struggle
JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist
February 6, 2020
As an old white man (obviously) I’ve lived through more Black History Months than most people have. I can say, as the old white man that I clearly am, that I’ve usually opted out of the occasion because I don’t know a lot of black history. My daughter challenged me to do it though, and so, f...
SATIRE: Yeehaw for cowboy poetry week
JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist
January 30, 2020
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NuX79Ud8zI Cowboy poetry week started two days ago. Where’s all the celebration, WSU? Not a lot needs to be explained. We all know cowboy poetry week has been a staple of America since the old Western days of 1985, and we all know each year hundreds of cowpokes herd themse...
Satire: students leave school over coach change
ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen columnist
January 16, 2020
With the announcement of Nick Rolovich as WSU football’s new head coach, the university has been buzzing with opinions about the upcoming change. WSU President Kirk Schulz took to the interwebs to voice his support for Rolovich as the new head coach and vouch for ongoing athletic endeavors. “We ...
SATIRE: Interviewing a husky before Apple Cup
JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen columnist
November 20, 2019
Dog enthusiast and husky owner Ursula Williams is expressing regret about owning a husky, and now calls it the “worst decision of her life.” “It’s not fun,” Williams said. “I hate huskies now, and Yeti’s awful.” Williams said she was given Yeti, her husky, as a present upon graduating...
Three individuals tested positive for COVID-19 today, bringing Whitman County’s total to 1,312 cases. Of the new cases, one female and two males...
