According to an anonymous source within the White House, the Trump administration is looking for a new Fox News host to replace Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.
The source said the White House has been turning against Hegseth for some time now, but the final straw was the recent revelation that he texted his wife and brother confidential military plans.
“At this point, we’re not sure how long Pete will be able to keep his job,” the source said. “The administration is hoping to replace him as soon as they can find a suitable candidate who hosted a Fox News program for at least three years.”
As for who Hegseth’s replacement might be, the White House is still not sure, the source said. There are several possible candidates, but none have been decided on yet.
“Sean Hannity and Jesse Watters both rank highly when the thought of a replacement comes to mind,” the source said. “Some people think one of the many white blond chicks might be a good candidate, but I’m not sure if any of them are racist enough for us. Plus, they just don’t have the experience with adultery and violent alcoholism Pete has.”
The source said InfoWars host Alex Jones, despite not being on Fox News, is also in consideration. However, some within the administration are concerned he might accidentally blow up the White House should he take control of the military.
“That pizza place Alex said was operating a child trafficking ring really isn’t that far from the White House,” the source said. “So if he sends the nukes over there then we’re all screwed. Maybe if we move the pizza place to California or one of those libtard states far away from Washington D.C. we’d be fine, so that’s an option.”
As for any comment from Hegseth himself, he has stayed silent on the matter, although his friends and family have noticed a change in his activities. Instead of sending confidential war plans and bragging about killing civilians in enemy countries, he mostly just sends emo song lyrics in the group chats he is in, likely reflecting his current state of mind.
“The truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt,” Hegseth wrote in one of his chats.
Despite his role in this, President Trump has mostly remained silent on the matter, except one Tweet where he seemed to confuse Pete Hegseth with Peter Parker.
“Pete Hegseth is a truly amazing defense secretary and is an even BETTER SPIDERMAN!” Trump said. “The way he swings on those webs is EXTRAORDINARILY EXCELLENT. He may have cheated on his FAT COW of a WIFE a few times, but who hasn’t? He’s more than earned it by stopping the Green Goblin, or as I like to call him, the WOKE GOB-LIB, many times! I will never fire him, probably!”
It seems there may be some trouble in paradise by the looks of things, but at least President Trump is here to instill confidence in the American government. Thank you Mr.President and thank you Pete Hegseth for bringing Dr.Octopus and Electro to justice.
