SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

Parties, debt, memes: all the things fresh new students desire

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SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties




TRINITY PIERCE, Evergreen columnist

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All students are overwhelmed with college at times, so it’s always nice to read about others who are even more afflicted by college than you are — in a way, it’s almost inspiring.

That’s why The Daily Evergreen went out and interviewed freshmen, most of whom were still high on their newfound independence. We questioned them about what experiences they were looking forward to the most during college. Here’s what they said.

Jenny McJennyson, a freshman from a state other than Washington, said that the thing she’s looking forward to the most about college is the crippling student debt.

“Thanks to my loans, I’ll finally be able to relate to the memes I see my older friends like on Instagram about being a poor college student,” McJennyson said.

Another freshman, who went by the name of Tractor “TJ” Johnson said the parties were obviously the best part of college.

“Do you think I went to college to be bored and study in some lame cafe while sipping on a nonfat latte? F*ck no,” Johnson said. “I’ll admit that the degree is nice, but I came here to party. I love dancing badly, drinking cheap and watery beer, and trying to hit on girls by screaming, ‘Do you have Snapchat?’ over loud music.”

Johnson added that it’s been great so far because he has already vomited all over a fellow bro’s bathroom and that he is “looking forward to blacking out for the first time.”

The last freshman we interviewed was a girl named Anna Conda.

“Something that I look forward to is losing weight,” Conda said. “All of the hills in Pullman have really helped me, especially since any time I leave my dorm room I seem to get lost, so I do a lot of walking. My calves can actually crush watermelons now, which is useful for when I want a quick, healthy snack.”

“The mountain of textbooks and papers the professors from my classes throw at me have definitely helped as well,” Conda said. After that statement, Conda also pointed out the creases around her mouth, proudly showing off the strengthened muscles that had consequently formed after thousands of fake smiles.

However, Conda did admit that she still struggled with losing weight due to the “copious amounts of junk food” she consumed, which she quickly clarified was a result of being “a little lazy, but mostly broke.”

Hopefully, these moving interviews from freshmen have served as motivation to those reading this and has allowed readers to fondly relive their own freshman memories of not knowing what is going on 90 percent of the time.

Note: No, these are not in fact real students. I can understand it’s very easy to believe they are, especially with names like Tractor Johnson and Anna Conda.