The Daily Evergreen

SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

Parties, debt, memes: all the things fresh new students desire

Back to Article
Back to Article

SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

NICK SANDIFER | THE DAILY EVERGREEN

NICK SANDIFER | THE DAILY EVERGREEN

NICK SANDIFER | THE DAILY EVERGREEN

TRINITY PIERCE, Evergreen columnist

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






All students are overwhelmed with college at times, so it’s always nice to read about others who are even more afflicted by college than you are — in a way, it’s almost inspiring.

That’s why The Daily Evergreen went out and interviewed freshmen, most of whom were still high on their newfound independence. We questioned them about what experiences they were looking forward to the most during college. Here’s what they said.

Jenny McJennyson, a freshman from a state other than Washington, said that the thing she’s looking forward to the most about college is the crippling student debt.

“Thanks to my loans, I’ll finally be able to relate to the memes I see my older friends like on Instagram about being a poor college student,” McJennyson said.

Another freshman, who went by the name of Tractor “TJ” Johnson said the parties were obviously the best part of college.

“Do you think I went to college to be bored and study in some lame cafe while sipping on a nonfat latte? F*ck no,” Johnson said. “I’ll admit that the degree is nice, but I came here to party. I love dancing badly, drinking cheap and watery beer, and trying to hit on girls by screaming, ‘Do you have Snapchat?’ over loud music.”

Johnson added that it’s been great so far because he has already vomited all over a fellow bro’s bathroom and that he is “looking forward to blacking out for the first time.”

The last freshman we interviewed was a girl named Anna Conda.

“Something that I look forward to is losing weight,” Conda said. “All of the hills in Pullman have really helped me, especially since any time I leave my dorm room I seem to get lost, so I do a lot of walking. My calves can actually crush watermelons now, which is useful for when I want a quick, healthy snack.”

“The mountain of textbooks and papers the professors from my classes throw at me have definitely helped as well,” Conda said. After that statement, Conda also pointed out the creases around her mouth, proudly showing off the strengthened muscles that had consequently formed after thousands of fake smiles.

However, Conda did admit that she still struggled with losing weight due to the “copious amounts of junk food” she consumed, which she quickly clarified was a result of being “a little lazy, but mostly broke.”

Hopefully, these moving interviews from freshmen have served as motivation to those reading this and has allowed readers to fondly relive their own freshman memories of not knowing what is going on 90 percent of the time.

Note: No, these are not in fact real students. I can understand it’s very easy to believe they are, especially with names like Tractor Johnson and Anna Conda.

About the Writer
TRINITY PIERCE, Evergreen reporter

Trinity Pierce is a freshman journalism and media production major from College Place, WA.

Leave a Comment

Comments are closed.

Navigate Left
  • SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

    Mint

    Satire: Rely on substances to get through midterm season

  • SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

    Events

    SEB will feature Dave B in hip hop festival Friday

  • SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

    Mint

    Satire: Stereotypes for certain majors more accurate, not offensive

  • SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

    Booze News

    Booze News: Local Moscow bartender meets King of Booze

  • SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

    Letters From the Editor

    Letter from the Mint editor: Avoid inevitable snowy death this winter

  • SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

    Events

    School of music to host student performances

  • SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

    Mint

    Romantic songs continue to saturate music industry

  • Letters From the Editor

    Letter from the Mint editor: Communicate openly for your relationship’s sake

  • SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

    Mint

    Satire: Students disappoint grandparents on Valentine’s Day

  • SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties

    Events

    Swing dancing groups dominate in the Palouse

Navigate Right

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Every student. Every story. Every day.
SATIRE: College students look forward to student debt, vomit-filled parties