Three best positions for sexually unoriginal folk

Exploring alternative poses can bring couples closer together, create chance to show off

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Three best positions for sexually unoriginal folk

New positions can help spice up an existing relationship and make coitus more interesting.

New positions can help spice up an existing relationship and make coitus more interesting.

CHRISTIE HOIUM | EVERGREEN PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

New positions can help spice up an existing relationship and make coitus more interesting.

CHRISTIE HOIUM | EVERGREEN PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

CHRISTIE HOIUM | EVERGREEN PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

New positions can help spice up an existing relationship and make coitus more interesting.

SAAD NABIL ALI, Evergreen columnist

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Three best positions for sexually unoriginal folkIf your manhood has not been matched by your pocket Kama Sutra as of late, perhaps it’s worth adding a new arsenal of positions to the bedroom.

Kieran Abbott, my girlfriend and connoisseur of all things me, and I have dug deep into the underground world of fringe sex positions to discover the three best positions for sexually unoriginal individuals.

The Butter Turner

If you enjoy the comforts of your stool movements, sexual intercourse and are nostalgic of humble traditions, look no further than the Butter Turner.

With the male’s classic seated position on top of the female’s suspended barrel roll, the Butter Turner is designed to provide a combination of relaxation and intensive stretching to give sex a more holistic feel.

When asking Abbott what she thought of this, the exuberance of the Butter Turner left her quite speechless.

“Oh my god, what is that?” Abbott asked.

Standing Up

If you’re busy like me and find that the inefficiency of sex is predominantly rooted to the confines of the home, let me suggest the Standing Up position.

The intimacy of the face to face encounter coupled with its mobility allows you to take your previously discrete indiscretions to the rush of public life.

The next time you and your partner are crammed in on the Pullman Transit with nothing but the awkward uncomfortableness of being intrusively close with nothing to say, try the Standing Up position.

Simply insert your member into your partner’s chimichanga and allow the intercourse to both utilize the empty transit time and entertain a crowd of your peers.

Understandably, the exposure of this position may not be for everyone.

“No. Move on,” Abbott said.

Although I may never experience the pleasure of this position, if you’re brave enough to enter into this journey, perhaps I’ll be there to cheer you on from the far reaches of the splash zone.

The Wheelbarrow

At the intersection of hard labor in prison and repulsion of your partner’s facial features exists the Wheelbarrow.

The name is pretty explanatory. Have your partner perform a handstand while holding her perpendicular to the ground.

This overcomplicated and strenuous, grueling position is sure to impress your partner before she slowly loses consciousness from increased blood flow to the head.

“I will break up with you if you try this on me,” Abbott said.

Spicing it up while remaining true to your ape-like sense of utilizing every chance to illustrate your strength just got a whole lot hotter.

Ultimately, your inability to think creatively shouldn’t cripple your love life.

Walk the line between spontaneity and insanity with full confidence that your pride will remain intact when it’s all over.

Continue chasing that unattainable dragon of passion by including these sexual positions, guaranteed to conceal that you are nothing more than five minutes of saturated shame.