Satire: Students approach stress in new ways

People ditch lavender tea, rely on creatures, special diets to relax



Some students turn to traditional methods like music to cope, while others … consult their pet cockroach?

MARA JOHNSON, Evergreen columnist

Stress is a b-tch, especially as the year comes to an end.

Some university students may show physical signs of stress while others die slowly on the inside. Regardless of the physical way they depict their agony, most students find ways to cope with this discontent — and it can get weird.

Take a trip and dive deep into the community of WSU, where students’ stress calls for some weird sh-t.

Music tends to help people focus and relax after a grueling day of studying. Sophomore architecture major Chet Florence believes stress will take over his life if he doesn’t listen to music.

“To de-stress, I find the hardest rap known to man and imagine myself as the top dog who can overcome anything that comes at me,” Florence said. “I refuse to be referred to as anything besides ‘Biggie Bulldog’ during finals week.”

He said pretending to see yourself as superior to anything that breathes can be a real confidence boost. However, once you realize it’s fake, you notice how sad and weird doing that in the first place was.

Florence said Dead Week is comparable to the eighth circle of hell and the university should designate students to the best areas to slowly die in peace.

“When I get stressed, it’s real bad man … I lose myself and become another person,” he said. “I wish I could fly away from all of my problems when I put my unicorn onesie on.”

Freshman music major Mike Hawk relieves his stress by eating a diet that is “fit for a king.” Hawk said eating is always a great way to temporarily feel better and there’s nothing like consuming copious amounts of chocolate.

“I read that dark chocolate is healthier for you than milk or white choc, so I keep a bar of it on me at all times,” he said. “It has to be dark, though, because it’s better for your heart and I know how stress can affect the pumping.”

There are a few students who appear to have lost their minds when finding ways to stay calm. Sophomore business major Sally Mander carries her coping mechanism in her shirt pocket everywhere she goes.

“Gary is my pet cockroach and he always knows what to say to make me feel better,” Mander said. “He is always saying stress is temporary and reminds me that the more I think about it, the more stressed I will feel.”

Mander said she is attempting to train her small companion to whisper the answers to her during finals, but it will not comply — not even when trash is the reward.

Through Mander’s apparent roach translation, Gary said students should try not to freak out too much because it’s inevitable that finals will come. Perhaps the knowledge you gain through studying will benefit you in the long run, he said.