The Daily Evergreen

Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

Judge your professors to simplify your college journey, avoid boredom

Back to Article
Back to Article

Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

NICK SANDIRFER | THE DAILY EVERGREEN

NICK SANDIRFER | THE DAILY EVERGREEN

NICK SANDIRFER | THE DAILY EVERGREEN

MARA JOHNSON, Evergreen columnist

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






No two people are the same, but some people can be grouped into similar bunches, like grapes or bananas.

Hi, I’m Mara, and I’m here to help you figure out all the professors you may encounter along your college journey.

The first thing to consider when meeting a new professor is the subject they teach. This makes all the difference because it’ll tell you if they are uptight. Profession tells a lot about someone. Facts.

For example, a history teach’ is like a dry Italian sausage and dresses like one too, with a voice like sleepy time tea. Also, quick tip: don’t bring up the Vietnam War, like, ever. It’s a can of worms that can’t be closed.

Or, an earth science professor, for example, might be a total hippie, a complete nerd or a mix of both. And I will bet money global warming will be brought up in any class period. It’s a real hot topic of conversation.

The next factor to think about is age. Just like size, the age of a professor matters. Too young? They’re too easy to control. Too old? They’re too easy to control, or the opposite, they don’t care about anything but sweet, sweet retirement.

Professors, like the half-eaten Taco Bell burrito you bought on a drunken night out, don’t always get better with time, so be sure to judge them based on first glance. That’s never turned out poorly for anyone.

Like judging anyone, race has to come into play. Ha! No, I’m just joking, I will not get into race. That is one line I will not cross … at least not on a public platform.

Sometimes people tell you to Google your professors before classes start to find something to relate to. Maybe some of you experience great results in minor stalking. I don’t go in with any preconceived notions.

Next off, what kind of bags do they bring to class? Backpack? Satchel? Or maybe an obvious emotional bag they constantly joke about in a way to connect with their students?

Side note, here’s what I don’t understand: how anyone could ever get bored in class. Sure, lectures can get long and repetitive, but you can people-watch and try to figure out who everyone is. That’s how I create some of my characters. That’s right! Anna Linjection, Buster Cherry and Michael Roth aren’t real people.

I hope this provided some meaningful insight for some readers. Otherwise, this would just be another failed attempt. But whatever, I’m used to it.

About the Writer
MARA JOHNSON, Evergreen columnist

Mara Johnson is a freshman English major from Bellevue, WA.

Leave a Comment

Comments are closed.

Navigate Left
  • Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

    Mint

    Romantic songs continue to saturate music industry

  • Letters From the Editor

    Letter from the Mint editor: Communicate openly for your relationship’s sake

  • Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

    Mint

    Satire: Students disappoint grandparents on Valentine’s Day

  • Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

    Events

    Swing dancing groups dominate in the Palouse

  • Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

    Mint

    Indulge yourself with friends for Palentine’s

  • Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

    Mint

    Satire: Use unconventional tricks to stay healthy this winter

  • Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

    Booze News

    Booze News: Moscow Alehouse creates friendly, ideal bar atmosphere for patrons

  • Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

    Art

    ‘Photographs from the Gay Rodeo’ showing at UI

  • Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

    Art

    Local theatre debuts ‘Cabaret’ musical

  • Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

    Booze News

    Booze News: Themed parties make delightful nights

Navigate Right

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Every student. Every story. Every day.
Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide