Satire: Mara’s declassified survival guide

Judge your professors to simplify your college journey, avoid boredom

MARA JOHNSON, Evergreen columnist

No two people are the same, but some people can be grouped into similar bunches, like grapes or bananas.

Hi, I’m Mara, and I’m here to help you figure out all the professors you may encounter along your college journey.

The first thing to consider when meeting a new professor is the subject they teach. This makes all the difference because it’ll tell you if they are uptight. Profession tells a lot about someone. Facts.

For example, a history teach’ is like a dry Italian sausage and dresses like one too, with a voice like sleepy time tea. Also, quick tip: don’t bring up the Vietnam War, like, ever. It’s a can of worms that can’t be closed.

Or, an earth science professor, for example, might be a total hippie, a complete nerd or a mix of both. And I will bet money global warming will be brought up in any class period. It’s a real hot topic of conversation.

The next factor to think about is age. Just like size, the age of a professor matters. Too young? They’re too easy to control. Too old? They’re too easy to control, or the opposite, they don’t care about anything but sweet, sweet retirement.

Professors, like the half-eaten Taco Bell burrito you bought on a drunken night out, don’t always get better with time, so be sure to judge them based on first glance. That’s never turned out poorly for anyone.

Like judging anyone, race has to come into play. Ha! No, I’m just joking, I will not get into race. That is one line I will not cross … at least not on a public platform.

Sometimes people tell you to Google your professors before classes start to find something to relate to. Maybe some of you experience great results in minor stalking. I don’t go in with any preconceived notions.

Next off, what kind of bags do they bring to class? Backpack? Satchel? Or maybe an obvious emotional bag they constantly joke about in a way to connect with their students?

Side note, here’s what I don’t understand: how anyone could ever get bored in class. Sure, lectures can get long and repetitive, but you can people-watch and try to figure out who everyone is. That’s how I create some of my characters. That’s right! Anna Linjection, Buster Cherry and Michael Roth aren’t real people.

I hope this provided some meaningful insight for some readers. Otherwise, this would just be another failed attempt. But whatever, I’m used to it.