SATIRE: Local rappers battle it out at Walmart parking lot

Beef began over Real Realness’s first mixtape, dubbed ‘not very real’



Real Realness said he was spitting “straight fire,” but onlookers said it was more “hot trash.”

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen mint editor

Pullman’s two biggest hip-hop acts clashed last weekend in a rap battle for the ages.

The two rappers, Lil Jiffy and Real Realness, brought their years-long rivalry to a head Saturday in the Walmart parking lot, letting the crowd of shoppers decide, once and for all, who Pullman’s premier rap artist was.

“I was so confused,” confused shopper J.B. Fuddle said. “Then I watched it and I realized I probably don’t want to understand.”

Supposedly the two rappers arrived at the entrance around noon, each with a small entourage of three or four people, then hurled insults at each other about their rapping prowess, romantic skills and possible relations had with the other’s mother.

“I thought they were gonna fight,” WSU student and fight-enthusiast Mac Anchese said. “That’s the only reason I stayed. I wanted to see someone get curb-stomped.”

Anchese said that both rappers looked nervous in front of the ten or so people who actually stayed to watch, and that neither seemed like they wanted to rap. Anchese described it as, “disappointing,” “anemic” and “completely worthless.”

After nearly two hours of insults and goading the other to start, a beat was dropped and the rappers finally engaged each other in verbal combat, until the manager came out and broke it up. The battle itself lasted four minutes.

“They were just afraid,” Realness, born Arty Fischel, said, “I was spitting straight fire, man. Lil Jiffy was getting slaughtered and they took pity on him.”

When asked if any of said bars were hot, Fuddle said the bars were, “hot trash” on both sides.

“This battle was what the fans have been waiting for and I’m invigorated by the crazy turnout,” Lil Jiffy, born Skippy Extracrunch, said. “Eventually you have to get serious and where else do you handle things besides the Walmart parking lot?”

The feud between the two rappers supposedly began in 2017, when Realness released his mixtape The “Real” Real Realness. Reportedly, Lil Jiffy trashed the mixtape on Snapchat, calling it “not very real” which he named his diss track, released a week after.

Since then the two artists have released diss track after diss track on each other, until Realness challenged Lil Jiffy to a rap battle in the Walmart parking lot. None of the staff were informed.

“We can talk all day,” Lil Jiffy said. “But the audience knows who really won. They know.”

None of the sources gave a definitive answer as to who was the better rapper, instead citing “whoever wasn’t there” as the real winner.

No rematch has been scheduled yet but Lil Jiffy will be performing his track “Not Very Real” outside the Cougar Country parking lot whenever it opens permanently.

“Hopefully not soon,” Fuddle said.