SATIRE: Ghosts express boredom after no deaths on haunted premises

Walter Guyst says new visitors don’t appreciate value of haunted houses anymore

JOEL KEMEGUE, Evergreen mint editor

The Board House, the most haunted place on the Palouse, hasn’t had a death in nearly three years and its ghosts are disappointed.

“It’s sad to see,” said Luigi Gauste, a ghost in the Board House since it was built. “I mean, I can’t see it because I’m dead, but I can kinda sense it.”

For over a century, the Board House has been the hottest haunted spot on the Palouse. Everyone from students to children to even adults have entered the house, daring to see who could stay the longest.

Gauste said in recent years however, there have been fewer visitors to the Board House, and therefore fewer victims.

“Used to be we’d get little kids, horny teenagers, ghost hunters,” Gauste said. “Now we don’t even have rats. But that’s because the House killed them.”

The Board House earned its fame in 1917 when the Gauste family supposedly died in a suspicious birthday candle fire that left the house unscathed. Since then, the House has been famous for killing those who have entered it in gruesome and unusual ways.

Walter Guyst, who’s been haunting the house since 1930, believes the reason for the lack of visitors now is because visitors haven’t learned to appreciate the House’s deaths.

Guyst, when he was alive, was attempting to buy the house to turn it into a tourism spot when he slipped on a mysterious banana peel and fell down four flights of stairs. He survived but then died of a heart attack an hour later.

“That’s the fun thing about the house; there’s a sort of humor with these things,” Guyst said. “I’m allergic to bananas, and that’s how I died? Even I have to admit it’s funny.”

Guyst said that the final straw for Pullman might’ve been three years ago when 23-year-old Shirley James entered the Board House on a dare from friends.

Supposedly the House drove James to insanity by showing her unspeakable eldritch horrors trapped in its basement that snapped James’ fragile hold on to reality and broke her mind. Then, Guyst said, she killed all her friends before letting a car run her over.

“That might’ve been a little bit too far,” Guyst said. “Usually the house will just make you choke on a sandwich or something.”

Gauste, however, implores people to come to visit the house again, regardless of the physical, mental or emotional danger.

“She’s been depressed,” Gauste said. “Without anybody to make an eternal hell for, what’s the point of a haunted house?”

Guyst suggested that this Halloween, citizens of Pullman should stop by the Board House, and reignite the nearly century-old tradition of dying horribly and having their spirit tethered to the house for the rest of time.

“Come by and you’ll see there’s not really anything to be afraid of,” Guyst said, “I mean, besides dying.”