Satire: students leave school over coach change

Not happy about the new football coach? A Daily Evergreen columnist gives a solution to your problem!

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen reporter

With the announcement of Nick Rolovich as WSU football’s new head coach, the university has been buzzing with opinions about the upcoming change.

WSU President Kirk Schulz took to the interwebs to voice his support for Rolovich as the new head coach and vouch for ongoing athletic endeavors.

“We have a passionate Cougar fan base, a dynamic new head coach Nick Rolovich … NOW is the time to support [the Cougar Athletic Fund],” Schulz wrote in a tweet.

This brought up an issue WSU has had for many years — how little money the athletic department gets in comparison to academics. Students, faculty and community members alike have complained for years about the rapid influx of money to education and the lack of support for the Cougar Athletic Fund.

“That’s why we had to cut things like Performing Arts and certain language programs,” said Aya M. Bitter, WSU’s Special Funds Manager. “They were becoming too powerful with all that money. They were threatening to overtake the entire university — they wanted to turn Martin Stadium into an outdoor amphitheater.”

With Rolovich’s nearly $3-million-per-year contract, WSU is taking the necessary steps to ensure no academic program gets too powerful in the foreseeable future.

Some football fans look forward to Rolovich’s career for other reasons. Fifth-year student Mark Mywurds, who has only ever witnessed WSU lose the Apple Cup, said he maintains hope that Rolovich will make the changes necessary to defeat University of Washington.

“He’ll never have the same vast knowledge Leach did,” Mywurds said. “Like, who even knows what ‘sanctimonious’ means? But I think Rolovich’s Run and Shoot offense might help us win or something. Eighth time’s the charm?”

Even so, not everyone is entirely on board with the new football head coach yet.

“I don’t think I trust this guy to lead our incredibly stable and successful team,” @Leach4Lyfe tweeted in reply to the announcement. “I mean, does he even know anything about 18th-century pirate ships? #NotMyCoach.”

Several other Mike Leach fans echoed this sentiment. Some called for Rolovich to endure a number of tests, from writing an opinionated essay on disco to passing a coachspeak proficiency exam. Others worried that, because he actually played college football, his loyalties might be divided.

No numbers have been confirmed yet, but WSU Enrollment Officer Elle Eving noticed a trend of students transferring to Mississippi State University the day Leach’s departure was confirmed. She estimated no fewer than 600 students will transfer by the end of the week.

“Oddly enough, the university’s net GPA actually increased with these transfers,” Eving said. “Correlation may not imply causation in this case, but, well … it is interesting nonetheless.”