OPINION: Satire: Prance Moms petition

No child should be wrecked every week during dance class — please help these moms petition the end of Abinee Tiller’s career

Cami+thinks+her+daughters+should+get+all+the+solos+%E2%80%94+but+so+does+every+mom.+

LAUREN PETTIT | DAILY EVERGREEN ILLUSTRATION

Cami thinks her daughters should get all the solos — but so does every mom.

DIANA RIOS, Opinion editor

Every mother’s nightmare, and every dance student’s most frightening fan. Abinee Tiller, dance aficionado and local dream crusher is here to haunt your dreams. To introduce the junior competitive team at her dance company, we must first mention Abinee apparently does not do favorites. Tell that to my kid’s tears.

Ever since my daughters Oaklynn and Paisleigh made the competition team, every newcomer has overtaken Abinee’s attention and my kids shift away as priorities. Yes, Oaklynn is 19 and competing with 11 year-olds, but to be fair, Mckinleigh, Mayzee’s younger sister, is like 2 years old! Anyway, I’m here to tell you about the treacherous, mean dance instructor who is Abinee Tiller, and why she should be removed as a dance teacher at her dance company. I have several testimonies that prove how mean this lady is. Please read on.

Besides bringing fear into the young, hopeful souls, Abinee is also a long-time expert on harsh criticism, and getting into fights with nearly every mom at the studio — sometimes simultaneously. The moms and I do admit though, Abinee sure does know how to choreograph.

Abinee has a way of ranking her students according to how good of a dancer they are to her, despite what everyone else on the outside thinks. She does this by taping their headshots to a round cinder block, and dropping each one in a large plastic cylinder in the order from worst to best. 

I mean, last week at the “Dance Dance Dance” dance competition, Mayzee placed first, Mckinleigh placed first in the tater tot’s age category and everyone else in the team placed in the top 3 in their categories. But like always, that wasn’t enough for their dance teacher. Boohoo, Abinee, save your tears for the pillow!

Mayzee and Mckinleigh are always going to be at the top of that damn cylinder every week in Abinee’s eyes. Mckinleigh’s diaper could be near falling off during her dance and she would still be near the top while my Paisleigh always performs her dances beautifully! Technically and artistically, Mayzee is very talented, but Paisleigh could be as good as she is one day!

“Klohee should be at the top with Mayzee. She is made to be a ballerina or on Broadway, or anything that has to do with fame. There is no doubt Abinee has it out for my daughter!” Nicole said. 

Nicole is my best friend out of all the other moms. She’s funny, snarky and not as much of a backstabbing betch as the other moms. I think her daughter is pretty good, but my kids are honestly the best dancers in the world — to me. 

“Jurnee is the only girl here with the sass necessary to secure any bag. But Abinee never sees her potential! She just sees Jurnee as someone strong enough to lift the other girls up. Why don’t you lift my daughter up, Abinee?” Hailey said.

Hailey is probably the smartest out of all of us moms. I say this because she has three doctorates and would low key be a good president. She isn’t super backstabby either, but one-time Abinee chose Jurnee over Paisleigh for a solo and I was in shock. What the heck. Paisleigh should get all the solos. Period. Oaklynn too, I almost forgot. 

“All of these moms are absolutely jealous of my girls. Come on! They are 11 and 2, why are you getting in fights over two little girls being picked for solos. You’re 45, you should act like the grown-up you sometimes think you are,” Margaret said. “As for Abinee, I think her way of teaching is fitting for the girls and their skill level. She’s training them to be professionals, not TikTok dancers, Cami.”

Margaret is the biggest snake, and she remarried so that makes her a double snake since she’s had two rings. My husband won’t give me another ring. But at least I’m still with him. And my daughter is talented too. Betch. 

Now I’m going to have to allow the wicked witch of the Pacific Northwest to speak because she has rights, I guess.  

“These mothers be crazy, and their kids’ names would never be heard of if it weren’t for my talent as a choreographer and amazing vision. Yes, I may have never reached their level when I was their age 50 years ago but at least my toes are pointed and my feet ain’t sickled.” Abinee, the wicked, said. “I have had them perform some shocking dances, but at least the shock factor gets us first place. Even if Oaklynn did get bit by the live tarantula we used as prop.”

Abinee has no respect for my talented daughters and I am sick. If I try to go to another studio, then our annual contract says I owe her $250,000. So my daughters hardly have a chance to be as famous as the D’Amelios, and it makes me so sad. Please sign this petition to get her removed as my kids’ dance teacher.