OPINION: Satire: Voting needs to be reworked
JOEY FRANKLIN, Evergreen columnist
October 27, 2020
There is plenty of controversy surrounding the upcoming election’s voting process, including voting by mail, absentee ballots and the health concerns about voting in person. Government officials have been brainstorming new ways to vote that protect Americans’ safety while ensuring their ballots...
OPINION: Satire: A new kind of presidential debate
JOEY FRANKLIN, Evergreen columnist
October 8, 2020
With the disastrous turnout of the first presidential debate on Sept. 29, the next few will be delivered in a different fashion. President Donald Trump and former vice president Joe Biden will be partaking in a gauntlet of activities. With the failure to control the debaters, Chris Wallace will be...
OPINION: Satire: Meeting the lesser-known presidential candidates
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor
August 26, 2020
It’s that time again, everybody. 2016 seems like it was yesterday in the collective American memory, but four years pass by almost immeasurably fast. It’s time, once again, to trudge to the polls, ballot in hand, and pick between two rich pedophiles to run the free world for the next term. What...
OPINION: Satire: E-sports replace WSU football
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor
August 25, 2020
With the recent cancellation of all WSU sports for the semester, the Coug community will be significantly different from past years. No longer will Martin Stadium be filled with cheers or, as was the case last year, groans, as our beloved team screwed up on defense again. It seems as though the Cougars...
OPINION: Satire: Frat parties mask up
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor
August 17, 2020
Hard-bass European club riffs pound through the thin walls of Kappa Kappa Zeta, WSU’s up-and-coming frat house. The smell of spilled beer and cheap cologne is pervasive here, on a Saturday night in August, where WSU’s finest are gathering to celebrate the beginning of the fall semester, regardless...
OPINION: Satire: New tech destroys privacy
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor
May 27, 2020
When it comes to coronavirus, everything’s up in the air. Governments are scrambling to respond and strange solutions are being examined for even the slightest amount of feasibility. Maybe it’s OK to drink bleach? You don’t know, and neither do I, because this pandemic has thrown everything we...
OPINION: Satire: The Rat King Rises
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen Columnist
April 13, 2020
Everyone’s talking about it. It’s on the tip of everyone’s tongue. It’s contagious, it’s recent and it seems to have everyone’s attention. Now, you’d think I’m referencing the coronavirus, but it’s actually something a lot more sinister, with significantly more mullets. That’s right...
SATIRE: Online graduation should be on Club Penguin
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen Columnist
April 1, 2020
With the coronavirus shutting down universities all over the country, many have had to find alternate means to carry on business. While I’m a big fan of Zoom classes, because I don’t have to put on pants, many other things are not as easily transferred online. For example, college sports have bee...
SATIRE: The dead walk
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist
March 9, 2020
Does the recent coronavirus outbreak have anything to do with the mysterious surge of violent crimes in the Whitman County area that some claim is the result of a “zombie infection”? No, is the resounding answer from the state’s health officials. “There’s no such thing as a zombie ou...
SATIRE: Stealing from WSU is commonplace everywhere
JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist
February 26, 2020
Several faculty and staff members were caught embezzling money from WSU by claiming hours that were not actually worked, according to Ernie Madoff, the official spokesman for WSU, home of the overpaid administrative vacation. “We have to send the message that misuse of university funds is never OK,” ...
A male patient aged over 80 years died today, bringing the total of COVID-related deaths to 14. Five individuals tested positive for COVID-19 today,...
