The Daily Evergreen

OPINION: Satire: Voting needs to be reworked

Voting should be fun and interactive — not old and boring. Here's some ideas to liven things up a little.

JOEY FRANKLIN, Evergreen columnist

October 27, 2020

There is plenty of controversy surrounding the upcoming election’s voting process, including voting by mail, absentee ballots and the health concerns about voting in person. Government officials have been brainstorming new ways to vote that protect Americans’ safety while ensuring their ballots...

OPINION: Satire: A new kind of presidential debate

The presidential debates are showing their age— it’s time to replace them with something a little more interesting. Tests of physical skill and dexterity will test the true skill of America’s next leader.

JOEY FRANKLIN, Evergreen columnist

October 8, 2020

With the disastrous turnout of the first presidential debate on Sept. 29, the next few will be delivered in a different fashion. President Donald Trump and former vice president Joe Biden will be partaking in a gauntlet of activities. With the failure to control the debaters, Chris Wallace will be...

OPINION: Satire: Meeting the lesser-known presidential candidates

Besides the two candidates everyone knows about, there's a whole host of misfits vying for the presidency.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor

August 26, 2020

It’s that time again, everybody. 2016 seems like it was yesterday in the collective American memory, but four years pass by almost immeasurably fast. It’s time, once again, to trudge to the polls, ballot in hand, and pick between two rich pedophiles to run the free world for the next term. What...

OPINION: Satire: E-sports replace WSU football

WSU's new e-sports team will replace in-person sports this semester.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor

August 25, 2020

With the recent cancellation of all WSU sports for the semester, the Coug community will be significantly different from past years. No longer will Martin Stadium be filled with cheers or, as was the case last year, groans, as our beloved team screwed up on defense again. It seems as though the Cougars...

OPINION: Satire: Frat parties mask up

Whether it's gas masks or chemical suits, WSU students have found a way to keep partying.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor

August 17, 2020

Hard-bass European club riffs pound through the thin walls of Kappa Kappa Zeta, WSU’s up-and-coming frat house. The smell of spilled beer and cheap cologne is pervasive here, on a Saturday night in August, where WSU’s finest are gathering to celebrate the beginning of the fall semester, regardless...

OPINION: Satire: New tech destroys privacy

Facial recognition and conspiracy theorists have one thing in common: they've increased since the pandemic began.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor

May 27, 2020

When it comes to coronavirus, everything’s up in the air. Governments are scrambling to respond and strange solutions are being examined for even the slightest amount of feasibility. Maybe it’s OK to drink bleach? You don’t know, and neither do I, because this pandemic has thrown everything we...

OPINION: Satire: The Rat King Rises

While not quite in Florida, both documentaries the Rat King and Tiger King have quite a bit of Florida Energy.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen Columnist

April 13, 2020

Everyone’s talking about it. It’s on the tip of everyone’s tongue. It’s contagious, it’s recent and it seems to have everyone’s attention. Now, you’d think I’m referencing the coronavirus, but it’s actually something a lot more sinister, with significantly more mullets. That’s right...

SATIRE: Online graduation should be on Club Penguin

WSU needs to think about all of the ways online graduation could work

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen Columnist

April 1, 2020

With the coronavirus shutting down universities all over the country, many have had to find alternate means to carry on business. While I’m a big fan of Zoom classes, because I don’t have to put on pants, many other things are not as easily transferred online. For example, college sports have bee...

SATIRE: The dead walk

COVID-19 totally isn't the start of the zombie apocalypse we hope ...

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist

March 9, 2020

Does the recent coronavirus outbreak have anything to do with the mysterious surge of violent crimes in the Whitman County area that some claim is the result of a “zombie infection”? No, is the resounding answer from the state’s health officials. “There’s no such thing as a zombie ou...

SATIRE: Stealing from WSU is commonplace everywhere

Time to up your game from just nabbing sauces from the dining halls, go line your pockets!

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist

February 26, 2020

Several faculty and staff members were caught embezzling money from WSU by claiming hours that were not actually worked, according to Ernie Madoff, the official spokesman for WSU, home of the overpaid administrative vacation. “We have to send the message that misuse of university funds is never OK,” ...

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