OPINION: Satire: Children of the wheat

Beware the children of wheat, fellow grandparents, they are more than just mischievous this year

These+kids+may+look+ordinary%2C+but+they+have+only+the+most+sinister+of+intentions.

TRINITY WILLSEY

These kids may look ordinary, but they have only the most sinister of intentions.

PORTIA SIMMONS, Evergreen columnist

Summer is the time to visit loved ones and, due to the COVID vaccine, many will be able to do so. During the summer months, there is a spike in children visiting their grandparents. There are many local activities to have your young one participate in. One club that is proving to be popular amongst the tykes is the Children of the Wheat Club in Pullman. 

Led by a young child that somehow looks 40 years old, the club focuses on self-care by appreciating the joys of being a child. Although people from an outside perspective might view the organization as weird, the leader, Isaiah, has a very convincing statement. 

“In my dream, the poorly rendered Red Jell-O Man did come to me, and he was a pixelated blob. It was The Person That Strolls and Weaves in Between the Stalks. And I did fall on my knees in terror, and hide my eyes, lest the fierceness of his faceless face strike me dead!” Isaiah said.

Many found that statement extreme, and rightfully so. There are concerns from our local scientists in regards to this type of crazy talk.

“When wheat heats up, there is a parasite that affects younger children called The Person That Strolls and Weaves in Between the Stalks-itis,” said Kurt Kanton, a doctor of science. 

Children with The Person That Strolls and Weaves in Between the Stalks-itis will experience:

  • Obsessing over things that are red
  • A willingness to eliminate ageism altogether by killing people over 18
  • Getting a sweet tattoo of a pentagram on their chest in blood as a birthday gift
  • Attempting to give others the stabby stabby

A local mother, Pita Gluten, shared her experience with her child getting The Person That Strolls and Weaves in Between the Stalks-itis. 

“Micah, my sweetheart of a boy, his personality totally changed after being exposed,” Mrs. Gluten said. 

In an extreme case, he kidnapped his neighbor and started shouting at her husband.

“Outsider! We have your female!” Micah said. 

Kanton was able to find a cure for The Person That Strolls and Weaves in Between the Stalks-itis: Gasoline! 

“We had to do a controlled burn of the wheat in the local area,” Dr. Kanton said. 

After the explosion of a wheat cross, Isaiah suddenly disappeared. Although he might be gone, The Person That Strolls and Weaves in Between the Stalks-itis still creeps around Pullman. So watch out, and make sure your kids don’t try to murder you.