Satire: Gomez Addams caught cheating on Morticia

Addamses are latest victims in string of fallen wife guys

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COURTESY OF PARAMOUNT

Is this the end of wife guys as we know it?

KESTRA ENGSTROM, Evergreen Opinion Editor

It has been a tragic week for “wife guys,” a.k.a. men who make their whole identity about loving their wives.

First it was John Mulaney, then Adam Levine, and then Ned from that one thing that you know a lot about if you were between the ages of ten and 15 in 2013. And now, the most well-known wife guy of all has also fallen from grace: Gomez Addams.

Gomez has famously been deeply devoted to his wife, Morticia, since they first appeared in a comic strip in The New Yorker in 1938. After nearly a century of romance, however, Gomez’s reputation was irreversibly tarnished when it was revealed earlier this week that he has been having an affair with serial killer Debbie Jellinsky.

Jellinsky is known for marrying Gomez’s brother, Fester, and attempting to murder him and the other Addamses for their huge fortune. It seems that she won Gomez’s heart as well with the insane and murderous tendencies she hid behind a blonde bombshell exterior.

“Family should have always been my priority, but I lost focus and had a consensual relationship,” Gomez said in a statement. “I’m sorry for any pain that my actions may have caused to the family and the fans but most of all to Morticia.”

BREAKING FOLLOWUP: GOMEZ ADDAMS FOUND DEAD IN HOME

This just in: Gomez Addams was found dead in his family home just days after it was revealed he was cheating on his wife Morticia with ex-sister-in-law Debbie Jellinsky.

This development came just minutes after the other members of the Addams family released a joint statement regarding the affair.

“As a result of a thorough internal review, we do not see a path forward together. We thank you for your support as we navigate this change,” the statement read.

Meanwhile, other woman Jellinsky has appeared to have gone off the grid. She has not released any public comments or been heard from in recent days, although reporters at the scene did note a headstone in the Addams family cemetery reading, “Wife, Psycho And Home-Wrecking Bitch.” It is unclear if this headstone has any relation to recent events.

Morticia and the rest of the family have declined to comment further on the case.

The investigation is ongoing, but we can glean at least one conclusion from these events: we are truly witnessing the fall of the wife guy in real time.