If a woman is assertive, Donald Trump says she must be on her period. If she makes him look like a fool, he calls her a bimbo. If a woman doesn’t make sexually pleasing her husband her top priority, he thinks she is obviously unfit to lead America.

Ladies, are you swooning yet?

In 1989 Trump told NBC that he wished he was “a well-educated black,” since he truly believes the black community has an advantage. His presidential campaign platform indicates he thinks immigrants from Mexico are all criminals sent by the government and he wants to build a wall – and charge Mexico for it, demonstrating a brilliant understanding of economics.

Obviously this man should be our next president. Let’s make America great again and bring back the glory days of misogyny and racism. Nothing will make our great nation respectable in the eyes of the world like socially regressing 70 years.

Clearly, Donald Trump is the only man for this kind of job with his brilliant policies, foreign and domestic.

For starters, Trump has come out and said he is against marriage equality. “They shouldn’t be allowed to marry,” Trump is on the record saying. “I just don’t feel good about it.”

And a good thing too – who needs equality anyways? It’s not like we’re in the 21st century or anything. Trump, a heterosexual white American billionaire, is definitely the man to put America back on the path of discrimination and societal injustice.

And if that hasn’t convinced you to vote for him, I’m sure his progressive stances on the race issue will. Yes, Trump has confirmed to Rolling Stone that he said, “The only kind of people I want counting my money are little short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.” And yes, a former colleague attributed to Trump the comment “Laziness is a trait in blacks.” And he said, in his presidential campaign announcement, “When Mexico sends people to America, they’re not sending their best,” going on to describe all the criminals and rapists that Mexico ‘sends’ to America.

But don’t worry. He has also come forward and proclaimed “I’m the least racist person there is.” So clearly there’s nothing to be concerned about here.

Complementing these obviously modern and completely rational views, Trump, the least racist person there is, enlightened us all when he told us climate change was “invented by the Chinese, for the Chinese,” adding in his campaign announcement that “I beat China all the time.”

Thank God he said that. I had believed what 97.2 percent of published scientists across the globe agree upon: that climate change is real, dangerous, and human-caused, according to a paper published in “Climate Wire.”

But if Trump says it’s invented by China, then by golly, he must be right. Never mind the science. If presidential candidates don’t pay attention to the science, then why should we?

Trump is clearly the only person qualified to make America ‘great’ again.

No one else in either party will successfully degenerate this country as well and efficiently as Trump.

But don’t take it from me. After all, as Donald Trump said in regards to the media, “It doesn’t really matter what you write, as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.”

So it doesn’t really matter what I write, anyway.