She stayed at my apartment after she called the police because he could get into her apartment and he had hit her before.

She was being abused by someone she loved, and she didn’t want to leave without trying to fix it, without putting forth every effort to help the man she loved not be an abuser.

She was not at fault for her situation because she was reluctant to leave.

For too long the first question asked to domestic violence victims has been, “Why didn’t you leave?” This needs to change.

Instead of asking the victim, “Why didn’t you leave?” we need ask the perpetrator, “Why did you think it was okay to be an abuser?”

“I don’t remember the last time I heard the question ‘Why do they abuse?’” said WSU Violence Prevention Coordinator Nikki Finnestead. “The question is always ‘Why do they stay?’”

This is something Finnestead and other motivated leaders on campus are trying to change, but a lack of awareness about the issue is getting in the way.

When asked what they knew about domestic violence, students often think of the most recent celebrity physical abuse case, Finnestead said. But in reality, abuse comes in many forms, and every student on this campus can play a role in ending a culture that blames the victim for his or her situation.

Because of the perception that domestic or dating abuse is mostly physical, it is a dramatically underreported crime.

“A commonly cited reason for that is that it’s not serious enough if the physical abuse isn’t happening,” Finnestead said.

Emotional abuse is actually much more common, with 11.2 percent of women at WSU reporting being in an emotionally abusive intimate relationship, according to the American College Health Association.

Abusers will often isolate the victim, stopping them from contacting friends or teachers, and may even transfer into their classes to keep them alone.

Abusers may also be highly possessive or manipulative, blaming all relationship problems on the victim. They may be emotionally abusive, mocking hair, clothes, weight, activities or any aspect of the victim, and telling the victim they deserve the abuse or ‘make’ the abuser do things.

In any form, this is abuse. It doesn’t take physical violence for a relationship to be abusive.

Many of these factors play into why a victim doesn’t leave a relationship, a question that is much more complicated than our victim-blaming culture assumes.

We live in a society that inflicts the responsibility for the abuse on the victim staying in the relationship, when the responsibility should be with the person who chose to abuse an intimate partner in the first place.

We need to realize that domestic violence is much more complicated than we think it is. There are myriad reasons people stay in an abusive relationship.

Especially on a college campus, victims and abusers often have the same social group, and the friends may not side with the victim. The partner may also be threatening the victim into staying, either physically or emotionally. Victims may be so disempowered by this caustic culture that they don’t think there is anything they can do. And sometimes, people just don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.

Though there are programs required on campus detailing healthy relationships, there is no such conversation required in K-12 schooling, Finnestead said.

People don’t tend to talk about what a good relationship does and doesn’t look like in formative years. And though it’s good to talk about these things in college, beginning the conversation earlier could make a world of difference in how people perceive abusive relationships.

But it’s never too late to address the problem. Here on campus, there is a lot to be done to end dating violence.

“It’s not about reinventing the wheel. There are people all over campus working to change this,” Finnestead said. “We have really passionate and committed people on campus addressing the issue – but we need more.”

People who are not victims or perpetrators may feel like there isn’t a place for them in the conversation about domestic violence, but that isn’t true, Finnestead said. A friend on the outside can be an incredibly important person to a victim in an abusive relationship, since people almost always talk to a friend before contacting authorities.

“Friends have an enormous role,” Finnestead said.

If your friend contacts you and describes a relationship that raises alarms, let them know you care about them and connect them with resources. It’s important to empower them to do something, when they feel ready, so they know they can.

Let them know they can report to police and the university if they want to, as both organizations offer assistance to victims in domestically abusive relationships, and be prepared to support them in whatever they choose to do.

Bystanders can also get involved in campus organizations like Coalition for Women Students, YWCA, Men for Social Change, Green Dot and more.

If you are a victim, know one thing above all else: It is not your fault. It doesn’t matter if you stayed in the relationship. The abuser is the person to blame. And there are resources available that can help.

Counseling and Psychological Services on campus is a free, confidential resource for students. Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse (ATVP) provides a 24-hour confidential hotline and many services to victims, including connecting victims with safe houses.

ATVP has an office in the Washington Building, near Violence Prevention. Health and Wellness on campus can provide medical support. The WSU and Pullman police are available, if you want to report a crime. Through the university, the Office for Equal Opportunity, the Office of Student Standards and Accountability, and the Dean of Students are all available to help you in any way.

There are options. We as a campus have the responsibility to step up and change the domestic violence conversation.

Michelle Fredrickson is a senior communication major from Issaquah. She can be contacted at 335-2290 or by [email protected]. The opinions expressed in this Column are not necessarily those of the staff of The Daily Evergreen or those of The Office of Student Media.