Dear Life Section,

I want to exude confidence in class and on campus, but I can’t help feeling like an imposter. Everyone seems to be really secure in themselves and not care about what others think, but I always feel really insecure when I try to make friends or chat with people. How do I feel less insecure, more confident and cool?

Sincerely,
Shy Student

Dear Shy Student,

Many people pressure themselves to “find themselves” in their late teens or early 20s, an expectation perpetuated by performative social media culture and a general shifting attitude prioritizing maturity at a young age. It is absolutely normal to feel socially or personally lost, but the key is finding contentment in the constant change and having self-empathy.

There are many aspects of college life that can cause insecurity: social, professional and academic pressures can all cause comparison and mental spiraling.

Get to know yourself. Separate from social media, fictional characters, friends, family, enemies and acquaintances, learn about yourself. Ask yourself weird questions, be curious about your answers. Start with the New York Times’ The 36 Questions That Lead to Love, record your answers and revisit the list in four to six months. Observe what changed and ask yourself why.

Finding your identity can be motivated by others and therefore feel performative. We all want to appear cool and unique to our peers, but the most important part of exuding confidence is feeling it on the inside. However cliché that sentiment is, if you cultivate a sense of curiosity about yourself, you will begin to understand yourself. Creating a positive relationship with yourself will inevitably extend outward to others.

Spend time alone in a vacuum. Listen to music, watch movies and TV alone, and do not spend your alone time on social media. This feels uncomfortable at first, but you will start to enjoy your own company after a while. To make this transition more comfortable, create a specific environment for your alone time.

Create a Pinterest account and make a mood board. Curate a vibe. Find style inspiration, book and film recommendations, recipes and home decor inspiration. Use free websites like Gondola or Canva to make mood boards and have fun creating a digital collage. Make playlists for studying, cooking, reading or cleaning, and create a vibe for everything. If you’re a Spotify listener, use Mood to create a playlist based on your emotions.

This practice does not have to be perfect or serious. Study while listening to Mario Kart music, find recipes inspired by your favorite TV shows—a “vibe” does not have to be perfectly clean and performative. Creating a comfortable environment to do tasks will help you feel more comfortable spending time with yourself.

All of the above advice centers around fostering comfort inside yourself. Self-exploration is important all the time but especially when you feel insecure or self-conscious. Retreat to yourself and your safe spaces and find enjoyment in yourself again. The most important relationship you will have in your life is the one you have with yourself.

Once these routines are in place, you will notice that you start to feel more comfortable socializing.

Find your people. According to WSU Data and Information, there are over 14,000 undergraduate students on the Pullman campus, and chances are you have something in common with one of them. Find classes, clubs or social events that sound interesting and fun to you and attend. Shop around the WSU Presence organizations page and see what looks interesting. Stop and look at the bulletin boards and flyers around campus and make note of events that look fun.

Be brave and challenge yourself to chat with one or two people. Try to compliment one person every day, even if it is in passing—the simple gesture can make both of your days. Even if these interactions do not end up blossoming into friendships, you can proudly say you put yourself out there and tried. If the conversation seems awkward to you, remember nobody will really remember your awkwardness the next day.

If all else fails, remember however oppressive the silent judgment of others feels, it is all inside your own head. At the risk of sounding blunt, most people are not paying attention to you because they are busy doing the same thing you are. It is hard to feel self-assured, and you should not expect to feel on top of the world every day. But once you have laid the foundation with yourself, it becomes easier to maintain an air of casual coolness.

Sincerely,
The Life Section