President Donald Trump signed an executive order today changing the name of Earth to “Planet of America.”
Trump announced this decision on Truth Social shortly after signing an executive order changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America.
“Our GLORIOUS PLANET is practically owned by this country, which SLEEPY JOE RUINED, but I shall MAKE AMAZINGLY EXCELLENT and TRULY GREAT once more!” Trump said. “This planet owes America So Much, it is only fair we get to name this planet after OUR NATION! GOD BLESS AMERCIA!!! [sic]”
Mike Johnson, Speaker of the House, said he supports this decision, although he did not want to go into specifics about it when asked about it at a press conference.
“When the people gave us a mandate in last November’s election they were clearly telling us, ‘we want you to rename everything after America and ignore the price of groceries, because that’s not that important to us,’” Johnson said. “Well, if that’s what they want, then it’s our duty to give it to them, so as a side note, don’t be upset when grocery prices don’t go down. The people wanted that.”
Reaction to this decision from other world leaders has been mixed. Russian President Vladimir Puting said he supports this decision while at a joint press conference with Trump at the White House. Some observant journalists noticed Putin had Trump on a leash and Trump had a ball gag in his mouth most of the time, although what this means is anyone’s guess.
“President Trump’s genius idea shows plainly why he got elected last year; his intellect,” Putin said. “The two of us have made an agreement that I will not launch any protest over this move and he will send me over 10,000 American made missiles to use against Ukraine.”
British Prime Minister Keir Starmer said he did not support the decision although did not answer specifically what he planned to do in protest, if anything.
“If anything, this planet should be ‘Planet of Britain.’ I mean, we’re the empire on which the sun never sets, right?” Starmer said. “I mean, come on, we’re still the biggest power in the world, right? Right?”
When asked at his joint press conference with Putin if he planned to name anything else after America, Trump, after Putin took the ball gag out of his mouth and gave him permission to speak, said he was not sure
“The universe should probably be renamed ‘Universe of America,’ since we’re the greatest power in the universe,” Trump said. “I watched this great documentary ‘Independence Day,’ and we killed those alien bastards! It was truly amazing! I’d like to see those idiots try and stop me!”
The Universe of America idea is already picking up steam in Congress. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene said she plans to put forward legislation renaming the universe the Universe of America, but time will tell if that will pass.
However, this idea has its critics. Yesiour Emath, Supreme Leader of the planet XY-28, said he did not support the decision to rename the universe.
“I mean, he can do whatever he wants to the planet I guess,” Emath said. “Ever since we saw this guy won the popular vote last election we decided as a species we’re staying the fuck out of there, as there is clearly no intelligent life down there. But anyways, leave the universe out of it.”
It truly is a fantastic time to be an American, as in a citizen of the country, not the planet. This is Josiah Pike from the Daily America wishing you a Happy America, America!
