Dear Life Section,

My boyfriend and I have been together since freshman year. I met him at orientation, we became friends, and the relationship blossomed from there. Next fall will mark our junior year, and I am starting to fall out of love with him. He has not done anything wrong, but the relationship now feels more like a friendship, and it has lost its excitement. We had plans for the future, but life happened, and we might be in different places professionally and academically after graduation.

Here is where I might have messed up: I downloaded a dating app and set up a profile. I have messaged a couple of people but nothing beyond innocent flirtation. I do not know what to do. I love my boyfriend, but not romantically, and I need a change of speed.

Help!

Sincerely,
Guilty Girl

Dear Guilty Girl,

I would venture to say you have been feeling this way for some time now, and I understand your moral conundrum. But let’s take a small step back and address a few things.

Lost love is a part of being human and having human relationships. People change, grow and sometimes become incompatible. In college, we are exposed to so many new experiences and people that it can feel uncomfortable being tied to one person—especially when you have been together for so long. In your case, there is a very real possibility that the excitement and newness of college life, along with its expectations, drove your relationship into something it was not ready for.

Being friends first is a great way to build trust and emotional intimacy before diving into romance, but enduring commitment through unhappiness is not a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship. You mentioned shifting plans and goals, which is natural in college. Neither of you should have to sacrifice your future for each other based on a commitment you made when you were 18.

Finding a friend group in your freshman year is important, but comfort can quickly turn into complacency. It is vital that you are aware of your needs and desires, and that you are not willing to settle. However, you are cheating on your boyfriend. Just because you feel the relationship is over does not mean it is over for him. It is unfair to keep him as a backup if your foray into dating does not work.

I strongly advise breaking up with him, or if you decide to try and make it work, you need to delete the app and have a conversation with him about how you feel. But I strongly advise against the latter. He probably does not want to be in a loveless relationship any more than you do. As I said about your plans after school, it is unfair for you to sacrifice your happiness to stay with him. In a way, you are also sacrificing his future without him knowing if you continue to date him.

Despite already believing the relationship is over and his status shifting in your mind from romantic partner to friend, breaking up will be painful. Emotions will run high. Honesty is always the best policy, and I implore you to be honest about your online activity. There will be sadness and anger, but it is ultimately for the best.

This sucks, plain and simple, and my heart goes out to you. All of this will lead to something better, though, and if the worst comes to worst, the breakup will allow you to use the dating apps guilt-free.

Sincerely,
The Life Section