As another Presidents’ Day has come and gone, it gives us a chance to reflect on the greatest men to ever lead our nation. Here are a few of our most memorable and inspiring presidents.
Thomas Jefferson:
Where else could we start but with one of our first presidents? President Jefferson carved out a set of ideals that the nation has followed for its entire history, the most important one being that all men are created equal (keyword being men; giving women the right to vote was not exactly one of his priorities).
However, despite some of his faults, Jefferson strived to create a nation of equal opportunity and justice for all, where everyone, whether they be his wife or even one of his many enslaved people, has an equal shot of living the American Dream, which is getting plowed by Thomas Jefferson.
Chester A. Arthur:
Our 21st president, or as he preferred to be called “Big Dawg Chet,” may not have been one of our most memorable presidents, serving just one term from 1881–85, but what he lacked in charisma he made up for in influence.
One of Arthur’s most memorable traits was he enjoyed walking around Washington D.C. at night, sometimes as late as 3 a.m. This remarkable waste of time set the stage for future presidents to play golf all day instead of focusing on any actual issues.
William Howard Taft:
Our pleasingly plump, remarkably rotund, delightfully dumpy 27th president was our final head of state to have a mustache. That alone should place him among the top 10 presidents of all time, but that is not all he has done for the nation.
President Taft famously got stuck in the bathtub once, causing it to be removed and replaced with a new bathtub. I have personally taken several baths in this tub and I must say it is indeed one of the most glorious works of indoor plumbing in modern history. The nation has never been blessed with such a merry leader since he departed us.
Frank Gunker:
How could I make a list of the greatest presidents without including arguably our most influential president, Francis J. Gunker? Of course, as we all know, he served sometime between after the founding of the nation and before right now.
Gunker’s most tremendous achievements include pushing America further away from Europe because of all the “crazy crap” that goes on over there, signing a law granting women the right to vote and then taking it away when none of them would go out with him and putting his face on the kajillion dollar bill. No wonder our education system is failing when over half of American students have never heard of Gunker.
John F. Kennedy:
Kennedy is remembered as one of our most inspirational and exciting presidents and for good reason. He was able to be an effective and inspiring leader, despite his persistent health problems and his unstoppable urge to cheat on his wife.
By the way, as a side note, have you ever seen his wife? I mean, this is no Barbara Bush we are talking about, so the fact that he could not stay faithful to her is actually kind of shocking. The fact that he landed Jacqueline frickin’ Bouvier and he still could not keep it in his pants shows he had a serious problem.
Seriously, it is like if you put $10,000 on black, got ungodly lucky and doubled it and then put it all on black again in the hopes that you are going to double it again. Hell, an average schmo like me would gladly give up red meat for the rest of his life to just invade Jackie’s Bay of Pigs once. But no, JFK was docking his Soviet missile in her Cuban port every night and it still was not enough for him!
But enough about his hot wife. JFK could inspire the nation just by giving a speech. Who could forget his inaugural address where he said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. Also, I sure hope no one shoots me in the head on Nov. 22, 1963.”
Kennedy’s corpse:
After Kennedy was shot in the head on Nov. 22, 1963, the nation refused to come to terms with the fact that he was dead, so much so that his corpse was returned to the Oval Office after the shooting. The hope was Kennedy would soon walk it off and recover from his injuries.
The magnificent corpse lasted two weeks until the administration finally accepted he was not going to wake up. The breaking point came when, during a live televised address to the nation, the corpse said nothing and his nose fell off. Lyndon B. Johnson was sworn into office and the corpse was quickly thrown in the dumpster behind the local Long John Silver’s.
Harrison Ford:
One of the only presidents able to match Kennedy’s inspirational qualities was none other than former Hollywood actor Harrison Ford. Precise records of his administration were not kept, but it is known for certain he was serving as president in 1997.
Whether he was killing terrorists, telling people to “get off my plane” or finding the Ark of the Covenant, President Ford leaves behind a legacy of service and action few presidents have matched.
Oh yeah, he also played the president in the new Captain America movie, but I ain’t watching that crap. He is about 96 years old now, so he is far too young to play a modern president.
