Dear Ask Life,
I feel like I am not cool on the outside. I know I’m an interesting person on the inside, but when I’m out and about, I’m not signaling to other cool people that I want to be friends with that I am also cool. Is there a way to let people know that I have interests and hobbies subtly so that maybe I can make more friends naturally?
Sincerely,
Undercover Cool Guy
Dear Undercover Cool Guy,
I feel your pain. So much of our lives are shared through the internet that it feels foreign to express our interests in person. Lucky for us, everything we do is a reflection of who we are—the way we talk, dress and even the way we sit and listen. Of these activities, however, the clearest cool signal is dressing.
Curating your style is a great way to be loud and proud of your coolness. I understand that this is not easy on a budget, and hypocritically, the fashion I choose to indulge in on any given day is leggings and a hoodie.
The double standard of college being the time of your life socially, as well as the most important academic endeavor you will ever face, creates the insecurity you’re feeling. Lucky for you, psychologists have done research on this idea of signaling, and I am going to break it down for you.
The impression management theory by psychologist Erving Goffman says that people curate specific presentations of themselves to control how others see them. In the past, this phenomenon was most clearly seen in clothing, hairstyles, accessories and other adornments, but now we’re trapped behind laptop screens.
We are transmitting these signs of personality digitally, and the physical existence of this digital identity is the laptop. Most college students have some sort of portable technology, and the laptop is beautifully designed to display art while we work. Unconsciously, we let passersby and, in your case, fellow cool people, see our personalities reflected outward.
The outfits, tattoos and hairstyles of days gone by have condensed to the stickers on the backs of laptops. From businesses to clubs, organizations understand and have harnessed the power of the laptop, and there is a mutual benefit to the coffee shop, the bookstore, the vintage store and yourself.
I’m not trying to sound like an alpha-bro entrepreneur book, but it is all about marketing, as evidenced by the impression management theory. It is about baiting the hook, drawing people in and then sharing your interests on a deeper level in conversation.
Many students go beyond the more technical sticker application of clubs, jobs and frequented places of business. They seek out stickers touting their favorite animals, TV shows and aesthetics. The curation of this outward picture is growing more socially important for college students. Due to the prevalence of laptops and their universal use, everyone can use stickers as a means of expression.
The impression management theory is generally simple and identifies that we all curate an image of ourselves for social self-preservation. What you want is social rewards, and these small social management techniques can help achieve that—hopefully on the path to deeper friendships.
Beyond your own curation, try to connect with people through their laptop stickers. Give a compliment and express your own love for Studio Ghibli movies or frogs. There is no harm in reaching out—if the other person does not reach back. It is no sweat off your back. These things take trial and error, and unfortunately, not everybody wants to be your friend.
By being more unconsciously outgoing and giving clearer signals of your interests, you can facilitate a mutual social reward of friendship.
Sincerely,
The Life Section
