After the elimination of the Performing Arts program, WSU is starting to grow cocky, throwing budget cuts left and right in haymakers of social suffering to the student body. But they’re not going to stop — why would they?

Let’s cut the engineering department.

Administrators would applaud this decision, patting each other on the back to emphasize their mastery of serious budget planning. What were they thinking, cutting the small fries? Cutting the engineering department would be enough to get our football team new jerseys and everything.

Allie Evey, a software engineering student, suggested a few programs that the school would benefit by purging. This includes mechanical engineering.

“I don’t even know what MEs do,” Evey said. “Planes, maybe?”

And planes, as we all know, are highly inconvenient structures of mankind. You end up at your destination too fast to enjoy the scenery or take some time to finish your book. It was never a problem to take a ship to your destination — the Titanic was an egotistical fluke, the Lusitania a mere accident. Trains don’t get robbed like they used to, and we’ll probably hit oil somewhere so gas prices won’t be a problem.

“You should fund things that improve the lives of your students,” Evey said. “Also, stop building buildings you can’t afford.”

Many students who were a part of Performing Arts said that they found a home, a family, a place of belonging — all terrifying prospects. Who ever heard of Cougs taking care of Cougs? WSU doesn’t have the deep pockets to support such compassion.

The administration has its needs after all. Coffee is necessary to determine our next move for football recruitment. WSU President Kirk Schulz himself needs more money for condiment-colored suits. All that vacation time needs to be paid somehow, because they totally deserve it after all these struggles they’ve gone through. They’re the real victims, after all.

And don’t forget to add the latest type of computer so we don’t lose our connections with Microsoft.

These needs set the expenses too high and force WSU to scramble to rebalance its numbers.

Our budget must go to more meaningful things. History is a bore, Health & Wellness tells us we’re obviously sick, biology only cares about animals, and anthropology somehow finds every human action fascinating. If more budget cuts are necessary, we might as well eliminate these departments while we’re at it.

The engineering department is useless anyway. We can use the money saved for more nap pods. Who ever heard of an engineering student building a nap pod, anyway? That comes from Amazon.