And lo, the dark lord spake: I HUNGER FOR A PIE OF BRUTAL DELICIOUSNESS. A fresh batch of minions was fed into the great fires of the under-realm and 20 to 25 minutes later a pie was summoned. After the dark lord’s purple tongue licked the last crispy crumb from his black lips, he decreed it to be the perfect way to start a morning and named it quiche.

Germans were the first mortals to summon quiche on our dimension, but the dish is now identified with the French and fragility. This is just a ploy by the black powers to keep mankind from appreciating the soul-binding pleasure of eating quiche. The black powers are not fond of sharing their recipes.

However, after careful study of the ancient tomes of the shadow-verse, I have a rite to conjure a quiche within one earth hour. It requires a hell-box fueled by the souls of the damned or a modern conventional oven, whichever is more convenient. It also demands a nine inch oven-proof pie plate and a pie crust. I shamed my ancestors and shall forever burn in the under-realm because I used a store bought pie crust, but they are rather convenient.

At its core, a quiche is a savory pie that imprisons a variety of tasty morsels within its eggy clutches. Adding a teaspoon of flour to the eggs helps create a firmer interior so nothing escapes. My recipe traps crunchy broccoli, the sustaining black bean, and the salty flesh of ham, but you can use almost anything provided you don’t go over one cup of additions. If you add too much, your quiche will crumble into ruin and shame. Violating the one cup rule will result in a pestilence of mind-maggots so be careful.

Quiche keeps for about a week, although one rarely lasts half that long due to the unholy tastiness of the dish. It can be enjoyed for breakfast or lunch and is easily transported to distant lands with the help of plastic wrap. A slice or two of this devilish pie will sustain you as you ponder the uninterrupted torment that is existence.

Ingredients:

•1 pie crust

•3 eggs

•¾ cup of milk

•½ cup of grated cheese

•1 cup total of chopped broccoli, canned black beans, and cooked ham

•1 teaspoon of flour

•Enough olives for a pentagram

Method

1. Place crust in pie pan. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Grate cheese and spread in loose layer on top of crust. Chop up broccoli and ham, add to drained beans and combine on top of cheese layer.

3. Crack eggs into a bowl and mix with a fork until blended. Add 1 teaspoon of flour. Pour mixture on to pie filling.

4. Pour milk into pie until filling is just below the sides of the pan. Arrange olives on top.

5. Bake until knife inserted in pie comes out clean, usually about 45 minutes.