SATIRE: Completely honest Pac-12 power rankings

Columnist switches up power-rankings to give what he really thinks

CODY SCHOELER, Evergreen reporter

  1. Oregon: Token Pac-12 team ranked high nationally because someone has to

Every year there is some Pac-12 team that ends up being ranked in the top 15 and they might be the one this year. That does not mean they are a good team. They are overrated on a national level mainly because they have a talented quarterback that is underachieving and some pretty cool uniforms. They have beat up on the rest of a lowly Pac-12 conference and the one loss they have came from an Auburn team whose quarterback completed less than half of his passes. This team looks like the front-runner to lose in the Rose Bowl to a good team from a good conference.

  1. Utah: Great defense, offense that couldn’t score at Stubbies on a Friday night

Everyone knew this defense was going to be shut down this season. Everyone also knew the offense would be suspect. The team has won their games so far by kicking one field goal and proceeding to turn the rest of the game into an NFL game from the 1940s. If you took any other offense in the conference and put it on this team they would be the token high nationally ranked team but unfortunately, they have to deal with a quarterback who may or may not be blind.

  1. Arizona state: Former NFL coach doing good

All the fans that are standing firm for Herm have been rewarded this year . . . with a team that might finish with eight wins. But on the bright side that gives them a chance to win the conference. This team also wins the award for best team that no casual Pac-12 fan could name any players on the roster. They are virtually a lock to be the team from this conference that ends up ranked in the 20-25 range because they have a better record than teams from other conferences and the Pac-12 still has credibility for some reason.

  1. Washington: Less incompetent quarterback than last year but still getting carried by the defense

Unfortunately for the rest of the conference, Jake Browning is no longer this team’s quarterback. Even this year with a quarterback that is capable of throwing the ball more than 25 yards down the field they are still getting carried by their defense. Everyone knows what to expect from this defense: have a unit led by a shutdown secondary that locks down the rest of the conference, send half of them to the NFL to be huge draft busts or undrafted free agents that never amount to anything, get a bunch of highly touted recruits to replace the departed players, repeat.

  1. Arizona: Surprisingly good team everybody knows is a fluke

Nobody is convinced that this team belongs in the better half of the conference but that is where they find themselves. Luckily for them, being in the better half of this conference is as easy as being on a nursing home’s select basketball team. This team could end up finishing ranked fifth, where they currently are, or ninth because that is how much the rest of this conference makes no sense. A lot of that depends on if their quarterback decides to play like an actual quarterback or like a guy who is really fast and learning how to throw with his non-dominant hand.

  1. Washington state: Incredible offense, offensive defense

There is nothing that can stop an offense with the nation’s leading passer, a do-it-all running back, an experienced offensive line and a wide receiver corps that is eight men deep. Unfortunately, the other side of the ball is a different story. The key to beating them on defense: put 11 guys on the field. It is really that simple. If a basketball school that is not even good at basketball anymore can rack up 50 points in a half then so can any collection of 11 semi-athletic human beings.

  1. USC: Team that cheats but they suck so nobody cares

Their back-up kicker is only on the team because his parents bought the coaching staff new Jet Skis, which would be a much bigger deal if they were remotely competitive. At least they are the best out of the third of the teams in the conference that are located in California so maybe their cheating is not going to waste. Just kidding, they are breaking NCAA rules just to get into the Cheez-it Bowl, totally not worth it.

  1. California: School that doesn’t even know they have a football team

The good news for them is that it is impossible to let your fans down when you do not have any. But to be fair to the students who do not show up, it is hard to decide whether the games are more entertaining than studying for a biology exam or even just laying in your bed and staring at the ceiling. Believe it or not, this team was at one point the only undefeated team in the conference which is kind of like being the most popular kid when you are homeschooled.

  1. Oregon state: Surprisingly good team everybody knows is a fluke but in orange

This team has been surprisingly good this year, but they are still one of the worst teams in the conference. That goes to show how bad they have been previously. Maybe this is finally a shift away from them being the team everybody circles on their schedule as an easy win like the free space on a BINGO card. In all reality they are still going to suck and teams are going to love playing them. At least they will not be the team that sucks the most anymore.

  1. Stanford: Nerds

The players on this team could figure out that because they are ranked 10th out of 12 teams they are in the 83rd percentile without even using a calculator. What this team can not figure out is how to turn a football play into six points. Who would have thought that a team full of players that can find the hypotenuse of a triangle is unable to find the endzone? It must be difficult for student-athletes to be athletes when they actually try to be students as well. At least these players will all make a good living being accountants and not having CTE.

  1. Colorado: Team with a mascot more exciting than the players

Out of all the players on the roster for this football team, fans are still more excited when a buffalo runs on the field than anything that the players do. They should even start thinking about slapping some pads and a jersey on him and seeing if he can provide a spark for the offense. Unfortunately, they probably are not going to do that so fans will have to suffer through the rest of the season with a lackluster offense and mediocre defense. This team is only three years from actually being competitive and fielding a team that can play football, even if it is a little hard to believe.

  1. UCLA: Former NFL coach doing bad

It is understandable for people not to believe that the coach of this team used to be able to effectively coach a football team. Maybe he is so good at coaching that he is trying to challenge himself by doing everything differently, like when Michael Jordan shot a free throw with his eyes closed or Patrick Mahomes threw a pass with his left hand. It is more likely that he is not doing that and he actually just sucks. It would fit in with the rest of the team because they have yet to prove this season that any of them could make a middle school varsity team.