Dear Emma,

How do you know that the person you’re talking to is ‘the one’? I’ve had multiple failed attempts in the past, and to be honest, I’m gradually starting to lose all the hope, energy and sanity I have left. 

Don’t get me wrong—I know that I don’t need a significant other to complete me. I just don’t want to waste my time again. You know?

“Lovebird”

Dear Lovebird,

Thank you for your question. You’re in a tricky spot, and I have to admit I am not an expert in this area. 

First of all, I don’t want to give you a formula that you have to follow to find ‘the one.’ I have seen way too many Hallmark movies about people who fall for the wrong person because they tried to follow a recipe for finding the perfect match and it backfired. 

Jokes aside, I do not believe love happens because someone checks all the figurative boxes. Someone could be perfect on paper and end up being the worst partner for you in reality. 

I think the best solution to this dilemma is the thing you don’t want to waste: time. Spending more time with a person will (hopefully) reveal if you get along, complement each other well and can stand each other long-term. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you have to date someone for years to know if they’re the one — sometimes you just know — but in a lot of cases, you need more time to get to know someone before you can tell if you are compatible. 

Instead of thinking of a failed attempt as a waste of your time, change your mindset. Sure, you spent a lot of time learning about someone who you ultimately won’t be sharing the rest of your life with, but you probably learned a lot about yourself and who you are when you’re in a relationship. 

Use the time you spent with that person to grow yourself. Just because it didn’t work out long-term, does not mean there are not some positives to the situation. Maybe, at the very least, you tried something new because that person liked it and found that you actually like it too. 

I’m sorry if this advice is disappointing or not what you expected, but I refuse to give you a formula for finding ‘the one.’

Consider each failed attempt a chance to grow and become more aware of what will make someone a good partner for you. Plus, you’re just one step closer to finding that person. 

Don’t lose hope.

Take care,

Emma

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