Satire: Next year, I’ll just commit tax fraud

Can I claim my dogs as dependents?



IRS? More like Irritating Revenue Service?

ANNABELLE PEPIN, Evergreen columnist

If you own a house, have a social security number, buy groceries or even breathe air, you have taxes to pay.

When April 18 rolled around this year, everyone with a job and a heartbeat paid their taxes. Myself included. The process had me questioning my entire existence.  

I find it ironic that they make us, broke college students, pay our taxes. If I do not get a tax return that covers my four-Door Dashes-per-week routine, I will be committing tax fraud next April. 

As I was filling out my W-2, I was really confused. When I got a call from my co-worker about gathering these forms, I thought it was a yoga invitation. But apparently, W-2 in this sense does not mean Warrior II pose.

I just wish they made it easier to file this paperwork. They are so difficult to file that people hire other people to help them through the process. But if I am a broke college student, as the stereotype says, how am I supposed to pay someone to help me?

“If you need help filing a non-itemized Form 1040, I expect you to pay the amount of money that’s in the name – $1040,” said Certified Public Accountant Chuck Barter.

If I do not pay someone to help me, or I do not figure out the 300-page-long tax paperwork, then they could take my house away or even send me to jail. Good thing I do not own a house, I suppose. I have two dogs, though, so am I supposed to claim them on my filing status? They are technically dependent on me. 

And the IRS? What is their deal! Telling me to cut down my retail spending as soon as I get paid. If it was easy to dress as well as I do, everyone would do it!

Interest income is taxable, apparently, but the only income I have interest in is the money I can spend on material things.

“The whole ‘Tax the Rich’ movement is ridiculous. I worked hard for this money, so why should I pay more just to give it back to the IRS to better the community?” fellow taxpayer Dr. Monopoly said. 

Obviously, taxing the rich is important, considering they have heartbeats too and everyone that breathes in this country files their taxes. Money is a social construct anyway, so you might as well give what you have away. 

Since I got my hair done last week, I am going to need to ask the IRS for a different type of extension, which, in this case, is not the color blonde.