Satire: FBI reveals disturbing findings in Mar-a-Lago raid

Bureau Director unsure what to make of discoveries



FBI Director Bristopher Fray said in a press conference that he is haunted by what investigators found in President Trump’s private study earlier this month.

KESTRA ENGSTROM, Managing editor

The Federal Bureau of Investigation conducted a raid on former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida earlier this month. In a recent press conference, FBI Director Bristopher Fray revealed the disturbing discoveries made at the infamous resort.

“We were expecting more resistance,” Fray said to reporters. “But when we entered Barron was just on the couch playing 2k and he pointed us right to the safe. He wasn’t even phased, it was pretty bananas.”

Inside the safe, investigators were disappointed to find only an empty bottle of self-tanner and what appeared to be a piece of President Trump’s daughter Ivanka Trump’s hair.

“It just got weirder from there,” Fray said.

Fray said investigators continued downstairs and discovered that Mar-a-Lago’s basement housed a fully-staffed McDonald’s restaurant.

This appeared to be the only food available in the resort. Fray said he was pleasantly surprised to order a 10-piece Chicken McNugget from the restaurant and find an extra nugget in the box.

From there, investigators continued to the former president’s private study, where they thought they had at first found some promising evidence.

“He had this sticky note on his computer that said ‘nuclear codes,’” Fray said. “But the code was just ‘password1234.’ We are consulting with experts, but are pretty sure that is not any sort of nuclear code and are uncertain as to where Mr. Trump received this intel.”

Investigators also found what seemed to be a shrine to Ivanka, which included several framed photos of her surrounded by candles, as well as a photo of her husband, Jared Kushner, with his eyes scratched out.

“The Ivanka shrine was pretty wild,” Fray said. “I think the weirdest thing, though, was the solid gold toilet in the middle of the room. I just … I don’t really know what to think about that.”

Fray said the toilet had a button that would switch off all the lights in the room and shine a single spotlight directly on it. However, this was not included in the official report on the raid.

The investigation is currently ongoing, and hopefully, investigators will discover more damning evidence in the coming months.